OMG-5: WHO AM I ......????(FINAL PART OF OMG SERIES)

Ninety nine percent of my blogs were written keeping one or the other person in mind .Candid confession .But this blog is written Hundred percent for me by me and only for me. I cant say when and how this thought of blog came into me. I didn't know if it was on top of Arunchala or when i was descending the mount. But one thing iam sure is that these are not my thoughts or it came up from my memories. I dont know how i got this idea but it just suddenly flashed into my head on Arunchala.I dont know if its a flash in my head or it was result of final culmination of understanding that happened over decades,albeit unconsciously. I dont know when actually it came into my mind but iam cent percent sure that it was not a thought but something like Understanding or Piece of knowledge grafted into my brain or Kind of Realisation . Vocabulary fails me to express this experience correctly. I always thought mystical experiences happen in melodramatic way with lights in head and haunting music in ears and body under strange convolution over a long period of time. But it all was in split second like there was nothing in your mind and all in a sudden you just remember something.

I think IT WAS when i was on the top of Mountain when i suddenly felt i am not one single entity and this body of mine is not all alone.Its like there are Two of me within one body.One body enclosed in another.I actually could feel the separation between two bodies.It was almost like outer layer is mere shell when Real body is happily nested within this body.Somewhere behind many layers seem the Original Me.I wondered if Iam not what I am now then who is real I ?? It was some strange feverish revelation that shot within me.Certain understanding about your TRUE SELF manifesting within me that is entirely personal but definitely not an intellectual discovery. It was clear that my Mind has become inactive and this is something more deeper which was beyond ordinary mind and intellect. As i said ,I felt iam not what iam thinking that iam right now. But straining my brain to understand made things more worse as i got caught in vortex of confusion.Confusion over my real identity. Hmmm...I dont know who iam but i understood i definitely know WHAT IAM NOT...

I dont know who iam and what iam to this world and my relationship with everyone especially with own self n this life. Bu it appeared that my entire life right from Birth to this moment is ONE BIG GRAND LIE .Ironically iam not at all aware of it and was happily was actively part of that super lie that engulfed my life in totality. It was like jim carry discovery in Truman Show film where he discovers that his entire life from birth was a big mega TV serial. I discovered that my entire character , personality what i always thought as my real self was just fake and IAm not my thoughts either which made up my persona .My entire personality was Hopelessly Hypnotized , Innately indoctrinated, Brainlessly brainwashed by social conditions and circumstances around me, It was just resultant of trillion pricks of social influences from outside world via hundreds of films i have watched ,million books i read, social culture and popular culture i was subjected to. All which pinged me incessantly oblivious of my awareness. . I was surprised to discover that not a single action in entire life was original. Most of them were reactions to outside world. I could no clearly see the origin of all those dubious actions of mine.

It was really shameful when you have this kind of experience when you discover that your life was poor imitation of world .Some one said Ignorance is Bliss. I guess it would keep you more happier and sane of you just live in state of ignorance all your life. But another thought also hit me at same time "Ignorance is also brutal ,only coward hides from truth"

All my Dreams,Fears, Likes,Dislikes, rare bouts of Love-Lust,Moments of Anger, Anxieties,Inspirations, Happiness Depressions,Exasperations, Desperation,Repressions, Selfishness-Selflessness, Moments of childish Cowardice and raw Courage, and all those million manifestations of unbridled hurricanes of emotions that assailed my life since birth were rooted in delusions and ignorance. None were truly Me nor Truly Mine.I wondered when did i become junkyard for all worlds garbage?How did i become one big programmable, manipulated puppet in world hands that led me on wildride of lifes roller coaster. So many masks i wore in my life on daily basis that i have totally forgotten what it is to be without a mask. Over a period it appears that my mask has become my real face. i totally forgot what it is to be your TRue Self..Iam writing this blog hoping it would serve as mirror to clouded mind and reflect my real face sometime now or in future. If so much in me is not me .Then WHO THE HELL AM I ??