Journey& Journal of Desi Singleton

Journey& Journal of Desi Singleton

Where should I start? Is being single joyful or jarring? Well, it’s both. My Bosses always relish in saying “You are free, what work you have in home, let family men go early etc”. I wanna say (though never said for routine obvious reasons hahaha) We singleton have more work and things to worry about than married family men. I ve to be both wife-husband, parents-children , master-maid etc. all roles rolled into one person and to be done by one man. There is no someone to do domestic backoffice job (like paying bills, cleaning house, vehicle  service etc). Worst case scenario is when/if you fall ill. You have to fend yourself.

Saying this, Ive my own advantage. I can be more bolder than rest. I can relish my own hobbies and lots of Me-time. Splurge  money as there is not many to share with.

 

 Lazy& confused. slipper or shoes?

Again there are times your brain feeds on itself. Being alone can bring in dormant demons to life. Loneliness can be at times dangerously excruciating.(Many go lunatic & even commit suicide) No one to talk or share your inner most feelings. No near or dear. I think many of couples quarrel due to lack of inner peace & outer attention to self. Arguments and quarrels might be way to feed inner ego and kill time/boredom. Human mind abhors vacuum and idleness. It always wants to feed on something or,….someone..No choice or no defensive mechanisms. you have to fight your own devils.

 

decade old pic from west coast

Saying that there were times your (my) inner child craves applause from near&dear. “I finished my Race, I got promoted, I got raise, I read this awesome book or watched this wonderful film!”. But when I looked around, I had none with whom I could share. I just walk off quietly. There could be 1000s of adventure photos of mine lying untouched or unseen. Even by myself.

But yet no regrets. This is life I have chosen. (hope my confidence doesn’t break down till death). Iam not easy man to be in relationship with. On one end I ve strong sense of opinions and on other end iam very nonchalant & comfortable and enjoy my ignorance. Queer mix of intelligence & ignorance.And at times, outright stupid.

 

No choice. Fight devils alone!

I can be lazy or lousy or leap at speed of light. No one to control me. I can be lazy bum or ecstatic ballistic missile. I can talk nonstop for hours on my favourite topics or be stone cold silent for days. I can make my own decisions even if they go wrong without absolute fear of society, friends or relatives or apes in amazon. I hate pple trying to impose their views&decisions. I would certainly listen to all, respect their advice&expertise. From there I decide on my own. This upsets many. But this is my life. I give you freedom and now I take mine. Nothing personal.

Being alone for so long that I forgot how to live with other person under same roof intimately or even share your life with others. I jealously guard my privacy. I keep my life very lean & in control. No unnecessary material goods or humans or even opinions.(call it japanese art of minimalism or My art of laziness)

 

Books keep me Sane

Probing deeper I wonder if iam 100% alone? I don’t think so. If married people hang to their Loan EMI&Investments wife&kids, gossip& relationships etc I hold on to my dreams, hobbies which are endless. Maybe I should say I ve less human contacts but not with life in general.

So is being alone & single good or bad? Well, maybe both. Depends on person to person & time to time. One man can suffer for not being married and another man suffer coz he is married. one man is seeking partner while other is running away from partner. You see what I mean? I believe it’s better you suffer for your own choices than choices imposed by society.

HUNTING HITLER & THE GREAT HACK

HUNTING HITLER & THE GREAT HACK

Two of the awesome documentaries I happen to see offlate were Hunting Hitler & The great hack.

Hunting Hitler was on premise that Hitler never died in Bunker but escaped.Earlier i read "The Grey Wolf" on same topic. But as an Conspiracy theory buff, iam game for everything weird. The History Channel team really uses awesome cutting edge technologies like portable ground radar, air&underwater drones, bots, mapping technologies etc. 

Series had conspiracy written all over. Ratlines  through which thousands of Nazis escaped from Berlin to Argentina (Rememeber Odessa Ratline), involvement of RedCross & Catholic church (as latter hated communists, they helped Nazis flee), interviews with tons of witnesses, Private islands underground passages, secret submarine bases, sunken subs&jets, underground bunkers, German nazi controlled banks, colonies, fortified houses in jungles, power plants, front&Shell companies and massive mind boggling logistics , development of nuclear weapons spread over in jungles and cities of Uruguay, Paraguay, Chile, Argentina etc  All for establishment of Fourth Reich.

Whether Hitler really escaped or not was not conclusively proved. But scores of top leadership like Adolf Eichmann, Josef Mengle, Martin Borman all disappeared after war.( 1^st guy was caught by Mossad in famed operation (later it was known that Argentina itself allowed the operation to take place so that it wouldn’t look like it gave up war criminal it helped to  live safely for years), 2^nd guy died natural death. 3^rd disappeared totally). As World war-2 Nazi Germany enthusiast, this show was sheer thrilling.

The infrastructure, planning that went into escape, subsequent rehabilitation &resurgence is just too immense to comprehend. Germans were truly geniuses. Most of advanced scientific achievements (civil&military) like colour TV, AK47,Submarines, code&cryptography, missiles, stealth technologies etc all had their origins in Nazi germany. No wonder, post war, both USSR and USA hurried to snatch as many scientists as they can. (Op Paper clip if I remember clearly)

The Great Hack on Netflix

The Great Hack on Netflix: It’s a massive PsyOps of different kind. But methods were similar though used for non-military purposes. Cambridge Analytica , a company was hired by Trump Team before elections which engineered his victory (one of the many factors we can say).It has harvested the personal data from social networks like FB etc and induced the user through personalized advertising/campaigning. They hired psychologists and analysts. Online harmless psychometric tests  which we play for fun to know our character or type of person we are, that data is cleverly taken from entire nation and divided on base of age/religion/likes/dislikes/orientation/political views & affiliation/ personal choice/preferences etc. Subsequently a model is built and based on those models, voters were induced.

 

Check the Trailer on youtube

In that documentary accidently I happen to see pic of Indian Congress, one of the client of Cambridge Analytica. Then howcome they didn’t win in India>? Simple!, India isn’t as digital as Amerika is.

Now the question arises, how sure are we that thoughts we think are actually ours? Are we manipulated to particular action or opinion by some clever copywriter or foreign agency?. The sudden hunger or desire for something yummy could be high resolution banner of food you saw which triggered ur memory for particular kind of food. Similarly 90% of our choices in life must ve framed by some medium. Russia is traditionally masters of deception. Their Psyops extend to decades of patient operation where in they change the opinion of entire nation to suit their designs. “Disinformation  by Lt Gen Ion Mihai Pacepa” is one rare book which gives peek into Russian psyops/propaganda warfare across the world.(Wiki it for stunning revelations &book is on free download).

 Just an example: Carrot is just not the only reason for good eyesight. But during war, british deliberately spread the propaganda  of linking carrots with good eye sight due to which they were able to blast german jets when they actually want to avoid the real reason being new radar tech they developed. This is deception at work and still continuing.

ITS JUST NOT ABOUT RUN

As the title says Its just not about the run, though entire blog would be standing on thoughts I thought while having a run. To cut long story short, I decided to run for 10km and blog is about Its totality of experience which happened during entire course of run.

Seed of Desire:

Why  10k? Why not 5Km or 21 Km or full marathon? Why not ultraman, iron man triathlon marathon. Well, the backstory goes like this. Once I found myself not even able to run 100m with my boss-man and he finished clean 10 kms. Then I was like, Ok, boss, I would run 5km in coming days (I always aim half the best i see). Later on his instigation and my desire for bragging rights I signed up for 10km.

 Dedication:: To my Boss-man primarily and tons of random events, thoughts, moments and pple from all walks of my life (past&future)  is this my blog dedicated.

Me&Bossman

Boss, look,look, even i couldnt believe its 24 min

Why aim ur bossman? Well, he is nearest human around me who went running on daily basis. (while rest of apartment residents happily snoozed) Naturally, champions like Usain bolt or  Eliud kipchoge (greatest marathoner) are too far away to capture my imagination. When I started out, even 100m was herculean challenge. 1km would tighten chest& lungs swollen. 5km was dream come true. But it wasn't a goal. Just as I kept running often I touched 5km. I used to feel like king. but running 5km was never intentional nor dedicated . it just happened. No big deal!

Training :

But 10k is total dedicated goal. With full of intention and dead line. Once the target is strongly embedded and decided I found my entire life mysteriously shaped around that target. All happening as if target now got life of it's own and editing my daily life so that finally target gets fructified. My alarm blared at 0430 am  each n every day.And each day i leap out of my bed without fail.(proud of myself conquering daily battle of alarmclock)

Come Rain-Shine or Cyclone, i was there on track

  Suddenly new world opened. Sleep timing, watch model, wind direction, Clothes, shoes, diet, timings, Training videos, shoulder angle, music track list, weather, track gradient, everything was seen from 10k point. Running 5k is no longer challenge. But adding another 5k in 20 days is quantum leap. Track pants& regular  tees tend to become heavier with droves of sweat. Hence I flew to Bangalore Decathalon to get some light weight runner tees&shorts. I videographed entire 10km track. Became conscious of my running technique. Are my shoulders drooping, how are my feet landing, are my keys &cellphones extra load? How do I reduce drag ?; become more aerodynamic?

 

down there was running track

Well, not that any of above stuff made difference (maybe less than 1%) except cold discipline of hitting track every day. But on hindsight i felt it gave me a psychological edge of making me feel I was dead serious and sincere. I remember reading Abinav Bhindra autobio (awesome book I should say) where he was soooo serious that he even designed underwear for his shooting sport. No wonder he won Indias first gold in Olympics.

Neural Conditioning through Books

Iam chronic bibliophile. Its almost OCD. I read only two genres and Motivation/Self help are not one of them. To keep myself motivated , I did all I can. Bought books on discipline, habits and even amerikan commando training books. Not that I would become commando, just that these books act as nodes to rise above my laziness . Just to keep brain sharp and improve its fortitude. Anyways I dont think they can help you unless you already are motivated and looking for external solutions. However I get these three fantastic books.

Discipline, Atomic Habits, Living with Seal.1^st book taught me importance of Discipline, 2^nd book spoke on tiny improvements which would keep tempo moving. Finally 3^rd book cements the habits. Last one costed me bomb. But results were worthy.I don’t say its great book but somewhere inside you drives the work ethic of No-Excuses & Never give up or Take path of least resistance.

Well, by end of 3 books, I finished 10 km. clean and neat! Reading this "Living with Seal" book made me realize all thru life we give excuses and end up being specialists in excuses to extent that we believe that our excuses are genuine.

In this book which primarily focuses on self discipline, physical fitness and going beyond giving excuses. Author and Seal commando take up 31 day challenge and execute them irrespective of what. They exercise in mid noon, mid night, early morning , between office meetings, 5 minute coffee breaks, while shopping in blizzard conditions etc etc.

Now when we look into our own lives, we always end up with excuses. No gym shoes, sports clothing, bad weather (author runs during 16 inch snowing), tight schedule, kids, school, office targets, bad mood etc etc. Rather than getting comfy with extra flab & blame fate,.In book 10X I read this line "Commit first, figure out later"

Finally On the Track:

After all the preparation I hit the track with all enthusiasm and fervor. I was shocked with multiple hurdles that hit on face. First not being able to wake up in mornings. Later not even able to jog 2 km. Though I jog daily 5km, now with 10km in my head, even 2km became a challenge. Legs wobbled and lactic acid made them jelly. Later I realized that with mind filled with totally with 10 km, iam getting overwhelmed. Taking cue from "Atomic habits " which speaks on tiny victories, I started aiming only few metres. At same time i had to stop comparing with other runners who were better than me on track. (later i discovered they were just running lot less distance than me).

Making urself proud is best feeling in the world

  I once heard how soldiers dont take rifle weight into consideration as they consider it as extension of their body. Taking this idea, I stopped considering my 1st 5km into account during practice. Everything began after 5km. 5km+0.50km, 5km+1km and so on. Daily trying to add few meters to 5km. I was very very alert to even minute changes,be it physical or mental. But breaking my 5km plateau was very big challenge. Mind rebelled like uncontrollable steed and oscillated between 5km and max 5.5 km. Then as I endured, voila suddenly one day I touched 6km (This is my real victory i feel). From there it was piece of cake. Daily adding ½ km to mileage. And surprisingly from 7^th km, I was adding 1km to daily mileage. I began to improve in bounds. No longer any target appeared Mount everest. At this rate I can easily finish half marathon and maybe even marathon. But I restrict myself to what I previously visualized. Just 10km. No goal upgrades please.

I took 2 weeks vacation just to finish my running target. Many of friends&colleagues felt its silly to use precious office-leaves to practice running. But people take holidays for pleasure.Dont they? Iam taking for self improvement, working on habits, removing toxic thoughts, building steel mindset, improve physical& mental prowess etc. finally  On August 09,2019 all my 3 books were completed. The day was day Nagasaki was nuked by USA and on same day I nuked my own target. 10 Km completed within 15 days of beginning of my training and 21 days before big race.

Set Goals Like an Elite Warrior “Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.” – Mark Twain 

Mind Vs Me

Its more mental warfare than physical endurance  I had to undergo. Initially like I said even touching 5km became a challenge.

 I just couldn’t break 5km plateau. Maybe few metres but not more.  Body just didn’t move head. Million times I reconsidered giving up or changing goal post. Run 5km instead of 10km. I discovered how mind silently from behind the curtains whispers. Many times we succumb to it as mind is so persuasive and convincing.

best sports store

The real challenge is Hushing up the little voice in my head that tells me to quit. Relentlessly , very softly but highly persuasive. It keeps telling me, “it's ok, snuggle up, weather is bad, you can do in evening, no 1 is watching”.

 Once early morning battle with alarm is won, again voice rises during run and whispers: "It ok, cut down to 3 km, ur legs r tired. You are tired. Who cares. Atleast walk if not run.Feet gone tight, pelvic muscles ache", Voice in head coupled with boredom was biggest challenge. I dont have partner to run along who could motivate or some beautiful girl at finish point to put some boosters in my shoes. Body was never tired of running but it is boredom that weighed a ton. I needed something to cancel those voices and feeling if I need to push myself. However as I kept enduring (Tx to book Living with Seal stories that played in mind). More I endured I found the voice getting feebler and finally fell silent. That moment was really wonderful. Mind fell totally silent.

Veni Vidi Vici-I came, I saw, I conquered!

finally first hit at 10km

For me this moment to cherish. Every sweat bead,  torrents of sweat that drenched my tees are symbolic of my work I put in. It was conscious goal. Aimed & planned. Finally achieved. Breaking old habits. Adopting new practices. These lessons would now be replicated in another parts of my life. Methods experimented in lab of marathon grounds. I don’t say running mere 10km is a big deal. I myself felt nothing after finishing 10km. but something in me changed. Unconsciously I absorbed the lessons I learnt throughout the process before final product came to fruition. My tussle with my own rebellious mind (&victory over it) and fantastic books I absorbed are highlights. Whatever we do in life apparently to please someone where in getting a compliment /salary/appreciation is byproduct. But this I wanted to myself so that I can respect myself. I feel alive bubbling with confidence and brimming with pride and self respect. I began to respect myself more and love myself more.

D-Day...

Finally D-Day arrived. Though i finished 10k long time back and rehearsed , still doubts prevailed. I hoped sea tides rise, cyclone lashes coast, heavy wind crashes the beach,so that i can blame Natures fury in case i failed. Before leaving my flat, i rechecked my shoes, double tied my laces, picked lightest clothes,added new playlist to my phone. 

Reaching the venue i discovered now i could differentiate serious runners, competitive runners, timepass runners, selfie runners etc.  Serious competitive runners wore shortest shorts and sleeveless tops and carried no headsets or phones. They were lean, athletic with muscular legs. 

You win the prize during practice but collect in competition

Once the run began , i found Gods were on my side.They granted my foolish prayes. It rained heavily, thunders and lightening rented the skies, cold wind blasted the streets and my bad luck began. Cold weather always brings in breathing issues within me.But i felt if i quit now, my self esteem and confidence would take severe beating and that taste of loser is horrible. i spat the rising phlegm and just trudged on. Heavy rain cleared half the non serious crowd leaving roads vacant. I ran most of the track without lifting my head inorder to avoid distraction. 

Beginning of Race-Drenched in Middle-Finally End of Race

Before i really realized,  i was almost back to finish line. but there was no finish banner. Winds lashed it out i learn it later. There were many runners standing at many places which further added my confusion. Just to keep doubts at bay, i ran half more kilometer roughly only to find finish line was long passed.  I clocked 70 minutes (thats 20 minutes better than in practice. Well, roughly it took 81 runs, 425 kms in total to get here...hehe

Its over?..yes its over. but i hardly felt thrill as i felt/dreamed/desired. There was no tiredness or droves of sweat so that i can gloat & brag from rooftops..no hunger pangs, no thirst,no leg ache or even stiff feet..no exhaustion. Legs were very fresh. its like, i can go for few more kilometers. i felt nothing...Journey during pratice was inspiring and exciting but final destination was totally insipid..perhaps "Journey "IS" Destination"!!.  but yeah iam content..like always. 

 

Now, back to my normal life. Day dreaming

Well i began the blogpost dedicating it to Bossman. lemme end it in same way. Hey Boss, Happy Anniversary. Aug 31,2019...

MY ROUTINE RANTS

WHY?

Very seldom i ask 'WHY'. Why something has happened. Especially negative events. No one questions why good things happen. i believe millions of disparate events cutting across time zones and multiverses and lifetimes result in current moment or event. Mind boggling! hence i dont even make an effort to question events (good & bad) either in my life or world at large. Maybe i might seek ways to get away by asking "HOW" but never "WHY". 

Many a times i myself have no clue why i do certain act which sans logic. why i resigned from Bank job at prime of age when future could be bleak. No idea. Why iam single? No clue!. Why i like veg when i know KFC is yummy? Even i wonder. Like i said i ve no clue why i took wrong turns in life which at times resulted in right destination or vice versa.

Well, Life is too complex for my limited mind and unlimited ignorance. I make no efforts to understand grand plan . I just live life. No questions from my side.

IGNORANCE

Ever wondered when we talk , how much of our conversation is out of ignorance or blind confidence. Try processing words of ours. Most of it would be just an opinion spoken to appear knowledgeable when the same opinion is based on emotion. Not on hard data. Most of conclusions/debates/arguments/gossip , all seldom are based on cold facts, information. We just blabber to make our presence felt, or try to appear informed& opinionated. We seldom don’t say that we don’t have necessary facts , research data, survey results to make a conclusion and form an opinion. Once we realize this, iam very sure 90% conversations would be slashed and we tend to listen more, attempt to learn more, respect the opposite person more. Said and done it is also bold on self to accept that we don’t have complete information to make a decision. This cuts down our own ego or wrong inflated opinion about oneself and bring calmness.

Take a topic or issue or aspect of a person. Ask yourself what do you know/feel of that topic. Now ask yourself honestly how you have come to such conclusion. Chances are that it could be through some media or hear say gossip . very seldom we would possess 360 degree view. And the media we collected could be wrong or not detailed. From half truths we form full opinions. Think over it.

NATURE

i wrote this under shade of centuries old mammoth tree in jungle. Enjoying such shade in cities is almost impossible. Just remembered Two events that shook my conscience recently.

1. When I was driving my young nephew along beach road, he pointed and asked what were huge swarm of colorful things on side of beach. Well, they were polythene dumped by tourists accumulated in corner or would get into ocean spoil life inside water. (2) Second was my Washerman stating he can't get my clothes washed in time as stream where they wash has dried.

When my nephew questioned why so many polythene are dumped I wonder what kind of world are we leaving for next generation? When my washerman spoke on dried rivers, I know issue of climate change is in periphery and would hit urban life.

I believe Nature needs more care . The scorching summers, scant rains, unseasonal cyclones, earth quakes, diversion of water flow, big dams, drying up of perennial rivers, tons of plastic & poisonous waste being pumped into air&water , receding forest cover, falling aquifer, dry clouds, rapid urbanisation etc....all resulting bcoz of human greed for wealth or over population.

As a kid for me rain means 3 days non stop downpour, now few hours rain itself is gift.

Well, I am no big environmentalist to initiate change in world. But least I can do is be ecologically sensitive, reduce my own carbon footprint, be nature friendly, carry my own bag, install solar panels, create more awareness on sustainable development and set up example to my own family or inspire my juniors n friends etc

Like Osho said, we all are guests on this planet. Leave it better place when we exit than when we came in. Human advancements cannot beat Natures fury.

i wonder

I wonder if anyone..any high&mighty, smart& geeky had ever figured out "What the hell is this life about?"

Wonder if some/any chap figured it out or they just living in same rut of routine of "Date-Mate-Breed-Burial or Conquer-Create-Coffin"  concept built by some clever copy writer ancestors that we still obediently follow with our herd mindset.?

Wish this Life/Creation/Creator comes out with Customer support toll free no. I ve some real cool complaints&suggestions


 :)