Marriage Memoirs

                   I dont remember when i might have written it, Perhaps before year 2000. or did i even write it? All though style of sarcasm has my signature writing style all over. i happen to find it while i was browsing my old mails to kill time on lazy sunday. i dont even think now i have same sense of humour in me now. whatever...enjoy madi

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Well ., Mayan calendar was right and so were all those soothsayers from depths of history who foresaw the End of World by 2012. The signs are clear and too big to miss .  Scandals, war, terrorism, natural disasters,  falling water tables, rising crime ,corruption,cyclones etc etc and latest entry to this list of natural and manmade disaster is MY MARRIAGE.

Yeah, you read it right.Its my personal Armageddon, judgement day., customized End of (my happy)days has begin. Count down to carnage has started.My horoscope  became infested with all negative alignment of stars and planets thus threatening my Single hood lovely bachelorhood.

I thought Parental love is purest of all and is unconditional just like my eternal love for literature, nature, dosas and all those lovely things in life. But with my natural super sharp intuitive Sherlock holmes brains , I have discovered an international plot in active cooperation with CIA,MI6 and our own RAW that my own parents have made contract with dark forces from Hogwarts to end my bachelorhood status permanently

I never imagined even in my wildest nightmares that my freedom and bachelorhood would be chained by institution of marriage. Yes , marriage is an institution. Its mental institution worst than Arkham  where happy men are sacrificed mercilessly like goats(reminds me French revolution guillotine ). Happy Married Man is an Oxymoron. I pointed out Abdul kalam, Atal behari Vajpayee, hitler etc examples of great men because of their single status but my parents came up with examples of Einstein, napoleon, ramanajum and many more to counter my losing argument.(google certainly made yester year generations lot smarter n informative)

I guess Matrimony should be included in UN list of terrorist acts. I really wonder whats the  big difference between Military and Matrimony. In military you die once and become martyr but in matrimony , you just lead miserable death on daily basis. With black malicious gossip like me being a Gamophobic or Gay did help me in swinging the decision . moreover truth to be told, what choice have I got. With a small prayer I resigned to fate and braced to face inevitable.

This blog/letter is not an invitation to  any of you folks(esp to those who are dancing with glee and delirious happiness at sudden downfall of my luck). This is mere proof of my eccentric sign of insanity, cowardice and suicidal tendencies I suffer from and this is appeal for help In form of suggestion of good psychiatrist doctor or Plan B to my monostrous matrimony. Iam not inviting you or your families. Eternally influenced by all spy novels I read, I refuse to divulge the location of wedding as well. Its top of line top secret.

But /however/phir be/paranthu for all those who loved to hate me.,who are curious, anthropologist-sociologists (who wants to study evolution of bachelor man)etc who wants to witness my slaughter of this poor sacrificial man, they can come at their own risk. This ancient ritual is strictly for adults who are above 20, who have strong heart, as the event can be marred with ghastly incidents, marked with blood,gory and objectionable uncensored violence which could lead to retching,vomiting,trauma, and disturbed sleep for rest of lives.

I tell you in advance, as per highly placed sources in Indian and foreign intelligence , reports are that there would be no banquet at carnage scene. Hence visitors are advised to bring their own food, doctors and attorneys and ambulances.

Prequel: Mission Impossible :Matrimony Adventures

 I was ready for ultimate reality show ever Not televised on TV but nevertheless played by every unlucky man .

Match making

Match making exercise is no less dangerous than any military adventure. It requires lots of planning, strategizing ,motivation and dedication to come out alive out of this battle of wits and nerves.

I burnt midnight oil, burned candle at both ends getting ready for next day . it could be anything. Fate can make it Carnage or Garbage. Either way its only me who gets killed.

I studied all military strategies of samudragupta,Napoleon biography, chanakyas arthsashtra, General Pattons WW-2 war plan, veerappan and prabhakaran of LTTE, osama bin ladens minds..As back up plan to Plan A, I applied licence to pen pistol that james bond uses and muti barrel heavy machine gun used by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator film.

Being born paranoid, I even had back up plan for already backed up plan. ie Plan C to back Plan B which already backs up Plan A.(oh my my back is already paining)…

Any ways Ambulances, para military commandos, para emergency services from National Disaster Managemnt will be on stand by along with my attorney and insurers.

Its not attacks from behind that iam afraid but frontal attack I fear..

Ok..curtains are raised. Trumpets blare welcoming me.here I go..

After pre prepared façade of introductions and fake smiles which is as fake as their make up ., we speak face to face.

This is how the our seemingly friendly conversation went:

Me: Namaste

She: hiya

Me(hmm..to counter her English I )

Me: can I ask u few questions

She: ofcourse

Me: Can u cook Dosas?...atleast 25 varities of dosas that can rival local udupi hotels sweaty chef?..do you know where dosas are born?...ever thought to make gastro- piligrimage to such places??..are u aware that “journey to mens heart is through his tummy” and importantly cheating not allowed and Google strictly not allowed.

…there was strict silence from everyone. My dad and mom looked otherside and distanced themselves from my rapid fire questionnaire.

She : before I answer ur questions, iwould like to ask you some questions

Me: ofcourse..i was smart even before I was born.

She: are you nuts?...how many terms have u spent in mental asylum….

Well after this..my parents never walked in those streets again.

Second was more challenging

Even before I could utter anything she shot questions like an AK47.

She : iam mega cosmopolitan and social. I have many friends . more men then women she spoke cryptically.

Me: no problem I dragged with confidence. You can freak out day in day out as long as you make sure that my break fast (25 varities of Dosa) is cooked along with snacks between lunch and dinner , not forgetting my laundry, bike washing and shoe polishing..why should I mind your pals…remaining time is all ur own time.

She: iam quite modern. I wear modern dresses. Do you mind?

Me: why would I ..as long as your dad is buying you all those hanky sized dresses and shoes

She: I love candle lit dinners esp on weekends

Me: well ..so do I ..it saves power bills..n what more , you need not apply make up ..n u cant see me if iam really eating ur hand made food or emptying it in dustbin

She: she looked queerly and explained me what candle lit dinners meant in her context..eating out in restaurant ..that too every weekend.

Me: wow ..surely,,,,as long as we go dutch

Well…I need not tell u what  are the results of this as well

TEETLE TALES OF INTOXICATION FROM DESI DARU TO VIDESI SCOTCH

This blog was written around decade ago..but somehow delayed in going online due to myriad reasons that includes hormonal surges to Demonetization to surgical strikes to other censored reasons n excuses. Dedicated to "Guru of my Daru" Senior


TALES OF INTOXICATION FROM DESI DARU TO VIDESI SCOTCH 

 This blog is dedicated to a man who is 75 percent pure cranial grey cells+20 percent of alcohol( vodka+beer+tequila in varied proportions each fighting for monopoly)+2.5percent hydi biriyani +2.5 percent paunch(Let us call him TEETLE, not turtle, its teetle, the dot on ‘I’) Now tat acc 100% but we should another c another 99% of him with another equally awesome gal(let us call her SRAVZ) who is as well practicing wife of this guy physically and 1% by hyper voluptuous femme fatale(let us call her PC ) who dominates his imagination 24/7…now I guess this is how maths and myths works in love 

 Now this Man …The machine… Our relation goes back to Jurassic era where senior barbarians taught their juniors everything about survival from dinosaurs that dot the topography, including hunting mates in jungle and other rigmarole . Here our Jurassic park was cbit engg college where u get find antiquated brains n nerds and people like TEETLE and myself each out doing and showing off our Artificial intelligence in Natural settings. Here is where he was my senior ..senior in all sorts(except in height ;))     Back in college I was famed fer my purity and absolute abstinence from all aerated and hot drinks esp in college where there is more alcohol than water, now maintaining purity in midst drinking hordes is no joke.(I guess I was more into Woman than Wine, once again its same good old voluptuous femme fatale PC, Senior n me his Junior sharing the same fantasy girl) Infact an unofficial bet that ran amongst “ Professional college Pro Drunkards Association” was to get me drink by hook or crook. No one won the bet till date in college. The reason was simple.i was more into woman than wine. 

Myself With Overrated Underestimated Sri Sri Guruji

This is where again where our interests converged where good old voluptuous femme fatale was centre of undivided attention to both of our minds ..here s where I scored a point over him. I have her phone number, email id and she has my phone no, and home address given to her bulky All body-Zero brains boyfriend. With her bulky bf coming occupying more space in her body ,mind and heart than our senior-junior jodi. I think that’s where Devdas in me rose involuntarily and my senior like any good senior , Teetle rose up to the circumstances was more accommodating to be my Chunni Lal . Like Krishna ,He used to give his sermons about Life, Wife, Knife and how all are synonymous . 

And our famous haunt used to be Blockbuster pub in secunderabad where we both used to console each other for loss of voluptuous femme fettle PC. Now with gal gone, now came glass in my hand. Now my Senior plus Chunnilal plus Krishna all rolled into one was topper in fluid mechanics and dynamics of everything fluid, no wonder he is connoisseur of bars and pubs. First he would get intoxicated only then his mastery over subject and pedagogy begins. We then start with Gandhian philosophy that India is in villages. To show how he practiced what he preached ,We shoot to outskirts liquor dens and get intoxicated with desi daru the country side cheap liqour ,this would really blast ur neurotransmitters which actually helps u to realise Darwin was right that the fact that ur born out of chimps. Next step in ideology was how man evolves .Next class on Darwins evolution will continue in pub where now we Chimps-Evolved-Homosapiens wear clothes and have nations unofficial drink of youth and masses THE BEER followed by lessons on Indo-Russian friendship by toasting vodka along with all the junk chicken(There goes my vow of being vegan ) . and this where my martial arts flexibility comes into picture where I gyrate to all latest item songs dished out by DJ but my senior keeping his age and paunch in context sticks to his seat downing another beer over haunting tunes of Hotel California , Evolution is human birth right n probably that includes us as well. So we evolved in a single night from desi daru adda to Yippy pubs and finally end in Star hotel each trying to behave like gentlemen over a Scotch. By end of his sermons on gandhian village philosphy in desi addas,darwinss evolution in pubs and star hotels…I emerge victorious.

 Hemoglobin replaced with strains of scotch. Gal out of mind. Spirits high. Purses low( His purse obviously, juniors never pay..Last time i offered to pay..he was like since when did u become so big that u will pay...so overwhelming haha) and Experiment that glass of few litres of alcohol can keep gal out of mind is grand success.Patent awaited. Teetle ready to be in race to Nobel prize That was during college days. How long can I be junior in his fluid dynamics , gandhin philosophy of scotch in pubs?..Recently we have been to 10D pub in begumpet. He lost all his curves on his stomach which appears soon to be liken 6 packs,,,over many litres of beer and few shots of teqila..i had ,my moment under the sun,,err under the disco laser lights…What Buddha got under Bodhi tree, Mahavira under sal tree., Archemidies in bath tub..My eureka moment came in 10D albeit with clothes on. I realized true freedom comes only in pubs like Blockbuster which reeks with nostalgia than suave 10-D . Blockbuster allows our raw natural wilderness to find its ultimate expression than intelligent idiotness and we display in places like 10-D . What do you say Boss..???

RANDOM MUSINGS...!!!!

Dedicated 2 Rajoe n Jacko. Have to keep both very happy coz Rajoe owes me money and Jacko is my future money lender!!

Random Musings

 

Just bored with life. So randomly jotted whatever came on my minds screen. Some copied, some original, some developed and improvised, some stupid, some provoking, some ugly, some taunting, some will hate me and some will love me, some God knows what dey will do….who knows, who cares…I lost my sanity even before I entered slave-depot aka school.

 

“When Gandhi exhorted “ Quit India” in 1942,,my grandpa misunderstood and went on to become India’s 1^st NRI.”

 

“I wonder whys man’s best friend is dog & diamonds r women best friends. Now we know who is greedy”

 

“ Why are men so loyal to their barber? We seldom change our barbers”

 

“Why do “Home” ministers aka wives buy tons of crockery that always lies in show case and seldom if not, never use them in next 100 years?”

 

“Man can have 6 pack backed by 10 dan black belt , trained black cat commando and well versed in all weapons from AK-47 to Bazooka to bofor howitzer to predator drone…yet when his gf/wife weeps…those few drops of tears would wash out all the weapons along with mans will to fight”

“ Woman hate when man expects dowry but woman always want guy who is rich cum handsome cum intelligent cum guy who can be good husband cum driver cum plumber cum joker cum genie who can fulfill every wish of hers to marry them”

 

“How come we never hear any alcohol company getting bankrupt?”

 

“Why do we divide India into north and south but never east and west? Do we Indians have any idea about North eastern states?”

 

“Greatest inventions from mans perspective: TV remote

From women’s point of view: hands free phone”

 

“Why word “foreign” depict only western nations in our mind generally and America in particular when even Nepal, Bangladesh etc are foreign countries?”

“Why does man want sexy gf but homely wife?”

 

“Why do aliens visit only USA, and why those flying saucers hover only over amerika and crop circles are found in developed countries?”

“We laugh when Rajinikant does some crazy stunt in films (like shivaji) but clap when Tom cruise does the same bizarre in       MI-3? when it comes to hypocrisy , no one can beat u and me”

 

“Happy man is a norm and Happy woman is a myth. “What man wants?” was never written and “what woman wants” can still fill all libraries of world. Now u know what I mean when I say that happy woman is myth?”

 

“How many are aware that India doesn’t have a “National” language..next time when some north-hindi-blabbering demands you to speak hindi…direct him to me..i will destroy his arguments in less time den he reads this line.”

 

“IIT’s are elite. IIM are world class. How many nobel prize winners for science and tech are from IIT? and how many CEO s for fortune 500 companies are from IIM and how many top 10 MNC were started by IIM wallas?”

 

“Pakis greatest loss after partition: Kashmir . Indias loss ?...all beautiful women..( guys did u ever see pakis gals?..just awesome)..All?..no ..one is very much reading this blog…hee”

 

Now I stop. My boredom ceased. I guess urs started. Mission accomplished.

 

HYPER TENSION INVENTION

It all started when my bored-to-death mind began to scream for some adrenaline rush. My mind got numb to the excitement generated to my day-dreams where I, in very sinister fashion murder my boss billion times. I murdered him million times in million different ways using all weapons varied from primitive to futuristic, from stone to Neutron bombs. Well, with nothing left to think or dream of, I thought, I could well think of my office work for a while and that’s when I pondered over the difference between Productivity and Activity. I began to feel there is no point in working 20 years in a company and gaining expertise and experience purely as by-product of time . Why not exert a little of my idle grey cells on office related work after all I seldom (in fact never till date) strain my tiny brain. My office pays me to work like indentured robotic slave not think and bend mind like Beckham. Than sprang choto choti se asha. Desire to do something different crept into my mind. I wanted to invent something which company never ever saw. Now my mind began to vroom like Vettel on F-1 circuit. Before I could think of what..My mind due to its old habits went into sleep mode . Later its all ZZZZ zzzzz tat buzzed on my mental screen

Early morning when I woke up, the first thought that hit my mind was “An Idea”. A small seed like idea germinated in yesterday’s excited soil of my mind. An Idea can change your life is 100 % true. That’s what I dreamed. An Idea that was never seen or heard by anyone (meaning I never heard of it).Wow. I just felt like Neo in Matrix who bends spoons with mental power and stops slew of bullets with mere hand gesture.




It was my eureka moment when I forgot to brush my teeth, gobbled some fruits and bolted to Pyramid Meditations Hall at speed faster than Usain Bolt. Now like Buddha I sat under pyramid for an hour allowing mind to excite its grey cells without any conditions. Minute idea metamorphosed into Mammothic plan. Million view points got generated. Counter points assailed. Mind rose n fell like wave, twisted itself into knots. Finally I was able to come out with my product or scheme. But I prefer to call it as INVENTION. Nomenclature makes all difference. “Invention” is more exciting than “Scheme”,”Procedure”,”Concept”.

Now my mind began to show its uglier manifestations. I didn’t know how to test its feasibility. I definitely need help of superiors whom I never trusted. My fear is always that they might steal the idea and make it their own. I just locked the Model in deepest part of my mind. I am no person with Commerce background nor iam MBA. I have scant idea how this model behaves in real world. Silently in office hours running sample mathematical diagnostics resulted in positive results yet I was skeptic.

With days passing by before I put on slides for presentation, my initial hyper excitement began to diminish. My confidence began to fade. More I dig into deep into INVENTION, more I found it reduced to school level science project.Plain vanilla product. Small and insignificant. This is my problem always. When I created advertisements which I felt too small, later I found similar advt on international stage. Its almost like Grass is greener on other side.




My MD was visiting my branch other day. I prepared everything with little confidence. With great difficulty I took my yearly bath as well. My mantra was Start slow and reach High. Though I wanted to give it to other banks, I preferred my bank which is PSU and has Govt mentality. Though presentation was scheduled at 5pm, MD came at 8.30 pm, jet lagged from his travel. Myself and My boss as part of our unwritten protocol and surrounded him like Black Cat commandos to give him the Feel of big shot political . We followed obediently around him where ever he went in the office. But my super sharp Sherlock Holmes eyes caught his discomfort in MD eyes. Then i understood he was not inspecting our new office but he was searching for washroom and he was standing in front of door hoping we guys to understand his embarrassing position.

Later after downing free chai and biscuits our MD,GM,AGM,CM, and my own Boss sat in front of my computer with angry , quizzical faces wondering what 2 year old novice officer can teach Financial Veterans.

My boss and Chief Manager never favoured me due to my independent thinking. In Public Sectors, one should always be boot licking sycophantic slave to superior who I am totally in contrary: “Free Minded and Independent”. My boss was angry for not sharing my idea with him. AGMs were silent like Buddha. MD was supportive but not committal. What followed was marathon discussion on feasibility, economic rationality etc .

Now the result: that’s what even iam waiting. They just nodded their heads , shook my hand with great difficulty, said its good . Not a word more. Will it work? Will the product see the light of day?. Should I give it other banks. What should be my next step? State of Limbo is the current status

No answer ….

Its Mad Mad World Folks...!!!

I would have never stepped into train to banglore if not being tricked by semi-jumbo Ashish.He convinced me that our tickets to Bangalore got conformed but only to find that we two had to share a single berth.Only positive point is that both our physical features are oppsite.He is just little heavier than sumo wrestler and iam lean n tall as girafee.With these contrasting bodies we were able to fit perfectly in single berth of Prashanti express.Ashish for those who dont know him is near-perfectionist(one step lower than Amir khan and 2 inches taller than salman khan n 30 inches and 30 grams fatter than Adnan sami).He does everything perfectly.He is a long distance planner and a Street Smart executive.You can find his next 10 day to 10 year schedule tight.

In order to beat him in his game of perfectionism, I planned hardest part of travel all by my own sweat and expense."ITS FOOD FOLKS ".Foodies and Health concious people like me and Ashish will never eat in rly stations hence i planned entire food-programme for the journey.Rice n curry fer lunch.Dozen Pulkas and curry for dinner.Sprouts for next day breakfast(incase u didnt get chance to brush teeth).Digestive biscuits for movie snacks(Ashsih had laptop loaded with films and
Fredrick forsyth Odessa file novel which i intended to complete).Two 2-litre bisleri water.Plates.Fruits for emergency backup.And a big bag to carry all this small picnic food..






I was expecting Ashish to display his street smart negotiating skills with TT for spare berth but Ashish did what he did the best in his office working hoours."Sleeping"."Snoring".Both sleeping and snoring together .He woke up only for shortintervals just like commercial breaks in serials. For food.These commercial food breaks were at lunch and dinner.So he successfully slept for 24 hours except for dinner and lunch breaks.TT,when he came to check our tickets, looking at Ashish shape under blankets felt like an gigantic Anaconda was sleeping under blankets giving out odd noises(his musical snores).He alloted a berth for me on feeling pity seeing me tightly crouching in one corner of berth as if iam soon-to-be victim to Sleeping Anoconda.No one dared to walk past Ashishs berth fearing when Anoconda might spring up from blankets and gobble up.Even when we reached bangalore, Our Ashish was still snoring and i had to pull the blanekts from his big tummy and shake him to wake him up.Co-Passengers gave a sigh of relief on knowing that creature under blankets was just Ashish the modern day Kumbhakarna but not Anoconda as they assumed.

Our Training in Bangalore was more like a paid holiday.Food in hotel was so good that 1st people to be at Buffet and last people to leave buffet was Myself ad Ashish..

Traning Sessions began at 930 am wnd went till late evening giving us litle chance to explore city.But Ashish gave full value for money by watching Kanada-Telugu movies till late night.(I was busy writing this blog).Here we happen to meet different people from different branches .Each person looked at another as if other fellow from other branch is some bacteria under microscope.When i came across the 1st person, all i coud see him was only his chest part., as another part of hs body was high in another floor,His name is NKMishra.He is as tall as telephone tower.No wonder what ever phone he uses , he has clear connection to all networks even when there is none.Everyone in our organistaion knows Mishra.After all "Gyara mulk ke Dons uska peeche hai..."(for messing with their wives,daughters,gfs).He is the one and only one who spoke his heart saying that our AGM was very beautful in front of entire top brass which included our Managing Director.No wonder when our Gabbar Mishra walks in Hotel corridors , all pretty women hide under their beds in their rooms.Sticking to Mishraji was DJSingh from Baroda.Our DJsingh is no DJ (Disc jockey) nor he is "Singh is King"Sardar.He is just Bhag Bhag D.J.Singh bhag bhag(coz Andhi called Mishraji is coming).






On brighter side There is glamour factor as well in form of some females who unwittingly,unlukcily and forcibly landed in these jobs.First was Ujala Raman(No way ie she related Nobel laureate CV raman) whom i saw at lunch buffet when i was having my Round 3(my last round) and when Ashish was on Round 12( and he was just getting warmed up). Humans have one tongue.Snakes and other reptiles have 2 tongues(fork tongues) but ujala had 5 tongues,each speaking Telugu,Tamil,Malayalam,English,Hindi.(now in process of gaining punjabi as well).When Ujala starts her verbal pyrotechniques., none has chance to speak back.She is straight to point and precise and impossible to be defeated in arguement.No wonder when she lashed out her 5 tongues, all our tongues rolled back into mouth..

We guys reacted differently to her speeches.Ashish escaped from his seat for his Round 14 in buffet.Djsingh was awe struck.I was dumb struck.But Mishrajis face changed all colours u find in colour TV.He has fallen in Love-at-First-Sight for the millionth time in his life.All in a suuden he started doing bhangra n kungfu to impress her.Like in Sharukh khans "Main hu Na." DJsingh started playing guiter around Mishraji who now is already in dream world.,and when all this was happening Ashish went for Round 15 and i was toooo dumbstruck to think or do anything.Mishraji is braver than Commando who like sunny deol can wipe out entire paksitani army by single roar.I felt dead sure that he is going to propose her on the spot like he did fer all his gfs in past.

One look at Ujalas eyes, one can tell she is no ordinary gal who will take things in easy way.Already she flexed her bicep muscles twice to warn Mishraji on things thats gonna come.Seeing two parties on warpath i silently wondered what are the ambulance and police phone numbers in bangalore.I felt little happy and comforting to have Ashish next to me as i felt when these two people start their Word War-1, We both can escape quietly but Ashish was ....phew ...is at buffet for Round 17.

I know there is going to be lot of blood on floor now . Mishraji made his killer move and Ujala readied herself with all countermoves she knows in all languages she knows..I tightly closed my eyes.As total darkness enevloped me.i heard no noise but chilling silence.Slowly i opened one eye .unable to belive what i saw i opened another eye as well.There i saw Ujala as angry as Chandi n Kali and our playboy Mishraji on his knees with camera in his hand as he was singing Matajis slokas to calm ujalas fire like temper .He just wanted to take her photo.Ujala gave a very firm curt "NO" for his request .But Misraji was still in his pleadng mode.One photo.Kodak moment.Canon picture.Colgate smile.Please...None of his pleas went answerd by Ujala.I wonder if she refused coz the request came suddenly or its just Ujala forgot to put her one ton make up.But for Mishraji ., Make up or no Make up ..She is still Goddess with full of grace and Divine aura(Probably Mishraji wanted to keep her photo with other deities in his puja room and do puja daily)

When all this Adult rated drama was going on Live, one person was at the site with no emotion,expression on her face.I wondered who that girl was,How can she be so calm when such a big commotion was taking place infront of her eyes.??.Then i realised this Bhopali girl was sitting next to me all through 3 day training yet i hardly noticed her.When entire class laughed ,she kept quiet.When entire class roared .She kept quiet.When Ashish went for Round 21, She was still in her Round no 1 .I wondered how this left handed Bhopali could maintain her silence with such a dignity??My curiousity went out of control.I tried to ask but to all my questions , all she gave was one big blank stare.Still silent.No mater what i ask.Her answer standard.

Total Silence...(Maybe she is like female Gazini who instantly forgots what she hears and sees.Maybe i shoud give her my photo with my name and biography written on back of it)

I wondered if she is mega intelligent or just not able to understand what iam speaking after all i,myself dont understand my hindi., maybe she didnt understand even a bit..She was pretty.i thought even for me ,like SRK and Mishraji ,guitars wound be played.Maybe Ashish wud play them but what did i find Ashish doing.Yes., You guessed right.He was on Round 25 at buffet table.She is beautful and silent.Maybe this is due to Bhopal Gas tragedy and this poor girl is still in state of shock that she till date didnt utter a single word or reacted to anyones words.So filimy.


Phew.three days ended more quickly .I came back to my place.I donno whats happened later .I dont kow if Goddess Ujala gave her permission to Mishra for building her temple like the ones built for simran,jayalalitha,amitabh bachan or she demanded a bigger one.I donno if Ashish went back to his branch or still going on Rounds at buffet.I donno if Bhopali girl is suffering from Gazini syndrome or shock effects of Bhopal gas tragedy 1984...i wonder what happened afer i left the place............some mysteries do thrive in ignorace.didnt someone say that Ignorance is Bliss .I stand by it .

Happy dusherra folks

India Conquered....!!!!

I NEVER THOUGHT A SUPER PATRIOT LIKE ME WOULD WRITE THIS...THAT TOO WITH INDEPENDENCE DAY JUST ROUND THE CORNER"


But what to do ...Truth has to be adhered ..I always speak Truth, nothing but truth.I speak truth as much as lawyers speak in court or kid speaks about his report card.The Truth is i was not aware ..it was so subtle . its like blink-u-wud-miss truth.Its almost invisible. Just like nano size element. But its still in the plain sight of all Indians yet we all missed it in acknowledging the truth. The Truth is ..

India got invaded and is conquered by Pakistan and China..!!! How and Why and When are obvious questions by you ignorant, sleeping Indians.

Preamble:Little bit of history before we get into main theme...The sadest reality since 1947 is that India had no chioce n luxury in choosing its neighbours. We seem to have more enemies in our backyard than friends whom we can count.We all know India had fought 1948,65,71 and kargil war with pakistan(n won most of time)(if you dont know anything about these wars ,watch BORDER for 1971 war where garam sunny deol ravages entire paksitan platoon in one roar) and in 1962 with china where we lost in most disgraceful manner ...(I didnt include all those wars we played sportively on playgrounds like cricket, hockey,kabbadi matches, hide n seek games (played exculsively by Pak based terrorists with Indian Special forces soldiers) we play with pakistan and and olympic games where China won enough medals in single event that would outstrip all medals we won in all olympics fer next 10 years n in last 70 years)








Comming back to Present ., let us deal with China 1st

Case of China is like "Crouching Tiger(India) and Hidden Dragon(Chinese)".We are always alert yet dragon is hidden in India .Without knowledge of Intelligence.,Army etc they successfully conquered India. How How come we missed sight of so many Chinese Fast food Centres almost in every galli/mohalla/lane/bylane/higway/roadway/noway dishing out Gobi Manchuria,Shezwan Rice,Hakka noodles,Cantonese chicken etce etc .All these recipes are places in China.Unknowingly they conquered Indias palate and taste and the way we eat things.Our Indian recipies are over written by chinese in hotel menus...See they are in plain sight yet gone unnoticed. no wonder chinese are masters of disguise

Coming to our best friend which never never leaves us.As inseparable as Pani and Puri in Pani-Puri and Tom and Jerry, DevD-Kalki,.Yeah ., its our Hot & Sweet Pakistan...Though our Bollywood n Saas-Bahu conqured Pakistan since time of Piracy and Cable connections., Pakstan took uiltimate revenge last week when they sent their brand new Hyper Lovely,Ultra-Beautful, Electrifyingly-Cute Foreign Minister "Hina Rabbani Khan"(HRK ala SRK))..every Man in India was oggling at this breath taking beauty where as every women perhaps was fumbling with jealousy as their men were transfixed at this young beauty..All nespapers were more interested in taking her photos rather than focus on theme ((incase u forget its "Indo-pak talks")).No one knows what our foreign minister S.M.Krishna(who wasnt seen in any newspaper though He was the host) has spoken with HRK..(guess he must have asked her personal phone number and emial id ).If this HRK was in India , she wud have been next model fer Pepsi youngistan or heroine next to Rajinikanth or bollywoods SRK (SRK+HRK=Rab ne Bana di Jodi ...wasnt that film flop??)







Now entire Indian Strategists and Patriot Planners and Diplomats are in state of tumble.India has to counter Hina-PR-Coup in India before her spell is cast on all 75+aged dynamic Ministers and they agree to every honey dipped words of Hina(who knows ..they might even agree to give away Kashmir without givig Bihar as free gift.One plus One Free offer). They scoured for Warriors who could counter attack HRK charm either by Charming her or Charring her.

First choice fell on Uncle Amar singh . But Jayapradha wont agree .

Second choice came upon Ranbir Kapoor but He is totally unpredictable fickle tapori..Today Hina ., tommroow Katrina.

Third choice was on Ultimate play boy of India and former 85 year old AP governor who was caught on tape with not one but 4 young women on bed(yeh dil manga more ..what a man ...iam sure he could be brand ambassador for Viagara). He can destroy entire batallion of women singlehandledly but the poor man is busy fighting cases in court when his illegitamate son sued against him





Finally they decided to field our own Chocolate boy Rahul Gandhi to counter Honeyed Hina..As none of our Dynamic youth leaders are less than 75 and with Rahul Gandhi has taken celibecy after his foreign Mom Sonia broke his heart by not allowing him to marry his foreign venezeluen GF, Our strategists had to think think think ...strain their brains till trains of thoughts come with Eureka moment ....Finally they came up with solution ...

To Counter Hina ..make Foreign Minister KATRINA ...

Enchantress with AK 47

"Who is Salt : Spy vs Spy"

Every one knows what is salt .Chemically its Nacl. When asked who is salt , begins the avalanche of questions starting ""what the hell??""Yeah who is salt ?...it has become the biggest mystery since the beginning of history.The tough question has become core concern in Indian Intelligence communities since last week since everyone turned up in office as there are no big movies on screen esp with Kites and Ravan rolling in dust and not able to understand Inception plot despite of English subtitles to Hindi dubbing , these brave officers wanted to spend some quite entertaining time in office when this secret news leaked through public news channel,,,Who is salt ?...

Now RAW-Indian intelligence cannot afford another failure after not foreseeing flop of Kites andf loss of revenues from video piracy it had to incure in pakistan and dubai .So half the not-so-intelligent officers of RAW racked their unintelligent dusty brains and burnt midnight oil in tracking Salt as other half of Hyper Intelligent officers are busy tracking the lost puppy of Chief cum Big Boss Official Wife.All the Spy satellites were pressed to service and entire country's communication was put on tap.Still no avail.So they turned to last option. Activate
Agent 0 0 and a big ZERO Praveen De Caprio

Location Bullet proof Bakery, RAW HQ

I Praveen De Caprio hate wasting time working in office hence i officially taste and determine freshness and fitness of food stuff in office canteen/bakery before i let other office wallas eat.In one way i put my life in line in preventing mass deaths by purported pakistan attempt to poison staff of RAW.
I sincerely and seriously dont believe in bragging and self aggrandizement and speaking lots about my greatness and myself not that iam humble but because it affects sales when i release my fictitious Autobiography .I just ignore when world says that iam the smartest chap with sharpest looks,coolest man in the continent and brightest brains which runs at 256 kbps and with 16 gb inbuilt memory.Whats point in speaking truth again n again ..



So when the task of capturing International women ofmega mystery .,who is just know by her code named Salt has been given to me .I couldnt help smiling at the dossier of orders .Again i have to save the world single handedly from nuclear annihilation . Salt or Dumb Dolt.She has made her 1st mistake by making me her enemy no 1 .I activated my network of elite informers who include local pani puri walla , Beauty parlour walli, Chai walla , kaam walli. Playing with entire platoon of Pakistan is very easy for me as i have taken special training by watching all sunny deols( Indias paksitan expert) movies back to back.My elite informers dug deep into underworld, underground drain tunnels, over telephone poles and finally they were able to secure her photograph.Finally one photograph...Err ,,She is in burkha


ENCHANTRESS IN AK-47

Location :Kashmir Border

Once upon a Time (not in Mumbai) in PoK, there lived a girl who is as simple as trigonometry blended with coordinate geometry. She was Made in Pakistan Trained in Afghanistan Infiltrated into Hindustan.Her Target is Mumbai. Code Salt decodes into Sweet Ankita Julie(not u r pom puppy julie or old film julie.).She was thoroughly radicalized by her jihadi trainers and ISI handlers by making her watch sunny deols films and all K-serials of Ekta gupta.Now she is determined to infiltrate into India just like her predecessors have done who include Femme Fatale Ashwaria rai who infiltrated Hirtik in Dhoom 2 and Sensually skinny Karena into Don SRK in Don 2 ..She too would do the same ..Poor girl ..Both Kareena and Ashwaria failed in their missions and evcen she whould find the sam,e fate says PDC(not post dated cheque...its Praveen De Caprio the only man in India to understand Inception FILM without subtitles in 1st days 1st show )



what could be her target? India Gate? Independence day? Diwali? Common wealth games?My ice cool nerves tremble little. Why an English code name to Taliban Trained Assassin?Hmm...I just cant rely on spy satellites or some electronic or human intelligence anymore,I should become like Neo of Matrix and enter into Other side of world.I have to hit the target straight into her mind via her dream network..But for that ., i have to organise an elite team like in Inception OR IN Predator-1.But who?.Who would take part of such deadly missions where chances of commin out alive, unmarried and safe are micro minimal??

RockstarRamesh?..No chance.He is yet to recover after he has been molested by millions of female mosquitoes and consequent malaria

Rifle Roshini?..Negative..She is took oath of silence and chosen to remain incommunicado as a hermit as long as it concerns me ..


Svelte Seema? Poor girl is busy tutoring seven suicide bombers of seventh class in her School of Terrorism

Killer Critika:..She is busy training in Bhutan for comming commonwealth games with yak for her wrestling competition..

virus arun: ..Like jason in Jason Directive refuses the greek commando to join his mission as he was becoming dad ,., i refuse to allow him to be with me


then who?..whats next?..wtch for part 2 ...as i gather my team....adios cyber comrades

How To Get a Girls Attention in 3 steps .....

All journeys end in giving gratitude to all those who helped u in this journey....just few days back an official communique landed on my desk saying a Rarest of Rare news to you and especially newly posted officer like me ..Its as rare as extinct Dodo of Mauritius resurfacing or Snow avalanche in Sahara ..news was abt my transfer orders to to vizag ...immediately i prepared checklist of all i have to do with neutral emotion ....Gifts to Boss, Hostelers and Thank yous to Laundry wallas/mess wallas/cybercafe wallas/etc who made my life comfortable.....Sooner than i cud think i found myself in AC car of Howrah Express ...

It was a long long long journey and a chatterbox like me was feeling drained with lack of conversation with no one ..and my jaw muscles were hopelessly getting rusted due to inactivity ....i scan around ...4 people including me in train ...one chap busily sleeping fer past 14 hours (My my ..appears he wanna break Kumbakarna sleeping record ...) my neighbour ..a hippie is too busy listening to hallucinating songs (pakka druggie i guess)....and the last one ..a Female .. pretty software engg from bangalore ....sticking to cellphone always as if its part of her anatomy ...Damn this cell phones ....

Stretching my long legs across the floor ..slumped n crumpled in my berth .My mind went on debating with whom i shall strike the conversation ..Hippie??..But i dont do heavy music or drugs ..so OUT...How about waking the Sleeping Beauty??NONO impossible stuff ....hmmm..the Pretty Gal is apt...Fer me every gal is pretty ...challo...But i wonder HOW?...what if she rejects out rightly ....it wud be so embarrassing ..and fer next 10 hours ..it wud be awkward....eeeks ...wht am i thinking ....iam Naruto fan..Fear shud be absent ..Moreover its insult to my intelligence if i back of such a small HR coup...Its time to put all those negotiating skills in display After all Lifes is all about Negotiation....Before pulling this Coup., i need to sleeping brain to wake up ...from its slumber ...before i use my tricks i have to wonder what kind of women she is ...Capturing a Girls ..especially a pretty one ..is the Art and Science closely and strongly researched by all Wanna-bes Casanovas, Anthropologists, Behaviorists, Film-writers etc etc...Now here i display a spark enough to dazzle Sun itself ..




Hmm..The Girl is silent ...all the time struck to phone ..speaking softly..hmmm...Firstly i change my brain from Silent mode to Active :...i immediately jump high into air show off my rippling hulk muscles which always wud be in invisible mode(no wonder including me ,no one has seen them yet) ....i do some karate techniques that i taught to Bruce lee n Jet lee ...i do some long n high jumps ...REACTION::.hmm..she hardly bats an eyelid ....she doesn't even give a proper glance at me ....maybe she must have thought iam some street juggler .....Fine ...i guess i have to upgrade my cerebral software to catch her attention

Again ..i upgrade status of mental levels

Active to Extreme: ..now with brute muscles strengths of no avail..i try to show of my skills in other-way ....I find my neighbour druggie and wanna be rock star with weird hairstyle n still weirder goatee searching nervously ...On asking he said his mom wud kill him if she comes to know that he dropped his brand new phone stylus ...(he is a kid...amazing ...must have had fast growing harmones in built in him ..)....after listening to his drug tales fer few minutes i give sagely advice ...""((Now the gal wondered what this Wise man to Vizag would do to ease the situation)) i say .. Just give a missed call to ur mom ...and switch of ur phone ....most probably she wud call back to her ladla beta in train traveling lonely ...when frantically she tries ..u calmly switch on after sometime n call her n tell u lost ur phone ....before she cud scream ur ears off ..tell her u found ur phone ....and just stylus is missing ....Human Mind naturally compares n finds u lost small stuff ..n forgives u ..

Smart tactic ...now the girl attention is ruffled ....i see her pupils enlarge ...hmm..gud ...ice cold silence thawed a little ...but not to required state ....now i go fer final assault ...this shud make or break the silent barrier ...Third and Final step...Get the Gal or get out of Train

Mind mode changed from "" Extreme to Nuclear"" ...Now My mind is powered by Plutonium. The dangerous toxic and lethal radioactive material banned by half the world is too dangerous to my anatomy but as i said ..ONLY 3 STEPS...and this is THE LAST STEP

Now by Now she knows my existence..No more Shock & Awe is necessary. Just smooth scalpel surgery on her psyche to make her get out of her cocoon.

Sitting in my trademark pose ..with legs out stretched across her Zone of Comfort (Psychologically breaking her barrier)..i pop few nuts into my mouth and offer the same to now-happy druggie-hippie..He declines. No wonder as i guessed He wants Pot not Nuts. Immediately i offer the same to her. As usual.,She declines(Perfect to me)
I blurt out "See..No signs saying that its dangerous to accept food from strangers annd strangers r just would be pals"" (A Small Smile broke in corner of her lips ...Enough!!but still not enough )..Now to apply all Sherlock Holmes skills

"So...Is even ur Fiance a software engineer like u ??"

Now this is a master stroke Ace ...Her Eyes spoke more than her mouth ,,?How the hell do u know ?...Do u know my fiancee?..how do u know that iam a software engg?..How?How?

Now that's a trade trick..In what occasion would a girl be all blushing and speaking 24/7 to someone nonstop??Unless its new bf or engagement...simple...Always look into eyes ,,,hair on ears ...they say tons ..

Well buddies ..what followed was Fun till end of Journey.She gave me tips where to find house , directions, etc in vizag...Now most important part of story ..Heres the point when Ego naturally gets puffed up and tries to encash in current situation .Loosely translated it means Exploiting ur Skills fer Selfish Ends ...Here with all my experience i tell u..i warn u ..Misuse your skills even fer Micro moment ..You are Finished...There is no force on this planet that would stop u from suffering of ur wages ..Wages of Sin

Arabian Nights-True Blue Film

Hail Comrades of Cyber world who read my blog ..Hats of and trust me U deserve a Nobel and Param Vir Chakra fer attempting so hazardous ....


whatever ...million apologies fer putting some life into this story now which i have written eons ago ....reason is genuine ...i cudnt come with proper ending ....somethings ever change ,,,even now iam not able to come with convincing end,,,,,but guess some things are impossible ....(Adidas plz note)....



Crowds and Queues are always anathema to my psychology ..hence i seldom go to crowded places like movie halls and shopping malls .Other day to kill some time i ordered a film DVD online ...no not my regular action crime or comic thriller but a real hot adult film.when practicals are zero , theory comes alive ..Its Arabia's 1st Blue movie ever made in its history...what more ., It has 7 "X"s trade mark on the DVD cover symbolizing the extent of its erotica levels ..A book-let is given with warning of adult film in 20 languages in its 21 pages and the last page had pictorial warning on case viewer is illiterate.

The movie name is ""ARABIAN RED HOT NIGHTS -A DESERT EROTICA"" THE very name is quite titillating i wonder how ummu yumu would be the film ...Going by reviews and few teaser pictures on DVD covers..iam sure "Their Blue film" would be better than '"Our Blue film"..yeah akshay kumar film Blue ...after all if their blue movie is the 1st erotic movie shot in vast desert..Our movie is 1st Hindi movie shot in underwater...and our blue film is shot with hot actors in hot undergarments only (thank God i didnt see our blue movie ..who the hell wanna watch sanjay dutt with paunch in semi nude pose)....however any movie wud be better than our blue movie ..But Blue is Blue ..whether its their blue or our blue .Any blue is better than No blue or Some blue is better than Swine flu or Swine flu is better than our Blue or their Blue is better than our swine flu ....oh my confusing buddies ..no more Blues i know u r saying boo hoo hoo and ready to flush this into nearest loo .....okoko...back to review

this book-let says it is banned in entire middle east and other puritan countries.All High Priests and Guardians of Religion after watching this movie million times back-to-back non-stop till DVD got spoilt after over used they issued a ban on this movie .Fatwa has been slammed on it but some conditions are tagged to this maniacal fatwa..Its banned only fer women ..not for men...why ?...i think its like driving being banned for women ...If women know how to drive ...they wud dump their octogenarian husbands who have 60 sixteen year old wives and elope with their drivers etc ...tat cud be the reason or so i guess ...





okoko the story before i drift aside....a Man-our hero ...completely covered except his fierce eyes gaze out of his Bedouin mask a desert warrior ...falls in love with a desert flower ..a Women or a girl or a teenager ..age indeterminate as she is covered totally top to toe with burka ...even eyes r behind the veil ....now enter the villan another masked warrior who has license to thrill on his 2 stroke ...errr double humped camel ......in this love triangle goes on the story ....

whats next?....errr ..heres the real anti climax ...i tried to think out of it but my mind met with story-bankruptcy ...maybe like movie avatar which james cameron made out after 14 years ....i wud come with continuation after .errr 14 days or so ....sorry ...thanks fer reading it till here ....as they say in Japanese fer long good bye SAYONARA