Marriage Memoirs

                   I dont remember when i might have written it, Perhaps before year 2000. or did i even write it? All though style of sarcasm has my signature writing style all over. i happen to find it while i was browsing my old mails to kill time on lazy sunday. i dont even think now i have same sense of humour in me now. whatever...enjoy madi

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Well ., Mayan calendar was right and so were all those soothsayers from depths of history who foresaw the End of World by 2012. The signs are clear and too big to miss .  Scandals, war, terrorism, natural disasters,  falling water tables, rising crime ,corruption,cyclones etc etc and latest entry to this list of natural and manmade disaster is MY MARRIAGE.

Yeah, you read it right.Its my personal Armageddon, judgement day., customized End of (my happy)days has begin. Count down to carnage has started.My horoscope  became infested with all negative alignment of stars and planets thus threatening my Single hood lovely bachelorhood.

I thought Parental love is purest of all and is unconditional just like my eternal love for literature, nature, dosas and all those lovely things in life. But with my natural super sharp intuitive Sherlock holmes brains , I have discovered an international plot in active cooperation with CIA,MI6 and our own RAW that my own parents have made contract with dark forces from Hogwarts to end my bachelorhood status permanently

I never imagined even in my wildest nightmares that my freedom and bachelorhood would be chained by institution of marriage. Yes , marriage is an institution. Its mental institution worst than Arkham  where happy men are sacrificed mercilessly like goats(reminds me French revolution guillotine ). Happy Married Man is an Oxymoron. I pointed out Abdul kalam, Atal behari Vajpayee, hitler etc examples of great men because of their single status but my parents came up with examples of Einstein, napoleon, ramanajum and many more to counter my losing argument.(google certainly made yester year generations lot smarter n informative)

I guess Matrimony should be included in UN list of terrorist acts. I really wonder whats the  big difference between Military and Matrimony. In military you die once and become martyr but in matrimony , you just lead miserable death on daily basis. With black malicious gossip like me being a Gamophobic or Gay did help me in swinging the decision . moreover truth to be told, what choice have I got. With a small prayer I resigned to fate and braced to face inevitable.

This blog/letter is not an invitation to  any of you folks(esp to those who are dancing with glee and delirious happiness at sudden downfall of my luck). This is mere proof of my eccentric sign of insanity, cowardice and suicidal tendencies I suffer from and this is appeal for help In form of suggestion of good psychiatrist doctor or Plan B to my monostrous matrimony. Iam not inviting you or your families. Eternally influenced by all spy novels I read, I refuse to divulge the location of wedding as well. Its top of line top secret.

But /however/phir be/paranthu for all those who loved to hate me.,who are curious, anthropologist-sociologists (who wants to study evolution of bachelor man)etc who wants to witness my slaughter of this poor sacrificial man, they can come at their own risk. This ancient ritual is strictly for adults who are above 20, who have strong heart, as the event can be marred with ghastly incidents, marked with blood,gory and objectionable uncensored violence which could lead to retching,vomiting,trauma, and disturbed sleep for rest of lives.

I tell you in advance, as per highly placed sources in Indian and foreign intelligence , reports are that there would be no banquet at carnage scene. Hence visitors are advised to bring their own food, doctors and attorneys and ambulances.

Prequel: Mission Impossible :Matrimony Adventures

 I was ready for ultimate reality show ever Not televised on TV but nevertheless played by every unlucky man .

Match making

Match making exercise is no less dangerous than any military adventure. It requires lots of planning, strategizing ,motivation and dedication to come out alive out of this battle of wits and nerves.

I burnt midnight oil, burned candle at both ends getting ready for next day . it could be anything. Fate can make it Carnage or Garbage. Either way its only me who gets killed.

I studied all military strategies of samudragupta,Napoleon biography, chanakyas arthsashtra, General Pattons WW-2 war plan, veerappan and prabhakaran of LTTE, osama bin ladens minds..As back up plan to Plan A, I applied licence to pen pistol that james bond uses and muti barrel heavy machine gun used by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator film.

Being born paranoid, I even had back up plan for already backed up plan. ie Plan C to back Plan B which already backs up Plan A.(oh my my back is already paining)…

Any ways Ambulances, para military commandos, para emergency services from National Disaster Managemnt will be on stand by along with my attorney and insurers.

Its not attacks from behind that iam afraid but frontal attack I fear..

Ok..curtains are raised. Trumpets blare welcoming me.here I go..

After pre prepared façade of introductions and fake smiles which is as fake as their make up ., we speak face to face.

This is how the our seemingly friendly conversation went:

Me: Namaste

She: hiya

Me(hmm..to counter her English I )

Me: can I ask u few questions

She: ofcourse

Me: Can u cook Dosas?...atleast 25 varities of dosas that can rival local udupi hotels sweaty chef?..do you know where dosas are born?...ever thought to make gastro- piligrimage to such places??..are u aware that “journey to mens heart is through his tummy” and importantly cheating not allowed and Google strictly not allowed.

…there was strict silence from everyone. My dad and mom looked otherside and distanced themselves from my rapid fire questionnaire.

She : before I answer ur questions, iwould like to ask you some questions

Me: ofcourse..i was smart even before I was born.

She: are you nuts?...how many terms have u spent in mental asylum….

Well after this..my parents never walked in those streets again.

Second was more challenging

Even before I could utter anything she shot questions like an AK47.

She : iam mega cosmopolitan and social. I have many friends . more men then women she spoke cryptically.

Me: no problem I dragged with confidence. You can freak out day in day out as long as you make sure that my break fast (25 varities of Dosa) is cooked along with snacks between lunch and dinner , not forgetting my laundry, bike washing and shoe polishing..why should I mind your pals…remaining time is all ur own time.

She: iam quite modern. I wear modern dresses. Do you mind?

Me: why would I ..as long as your dad is buying you all those hanky sized dresses and shoes

She: I love candle lit dinners esp on weekends

Me: well ..so do I ..it saves power bills..n what more , you need not apply make up ..n u cant see me if iam really eating ur hand made food or emptying it in dustbin

She: she looked queerly and explained me what candle lit dinners meant in her context..eating out in restaurant ..that too every weekend.

Me: wow ..surely,,,,as long as we go dutch

Well…I need not tell u what  are the results of this as well