Coming out as Dalit..!! (Part-1)

 

Coming out as Dalit..!! (Part-1)

Confession: Iam a Dalit! Saying this, lemme speak further..if possible read further

“Coming out as Dalit” is actually wonderful book by Yashica Dutt. (No piracy. Buy the book like I did) Book is memoir of the author and her journey through lens of identity. She was more a closet dalit trying to pass of as high caste lady in north India (Delhi). Thanks to her pretty looks & intellect she does it effortlessly. However post Rohit vemula incident , something in her gets stirred and she comes out boldly and embraces her identity which she has tried to forget if not erase.

I didn’t want to beat around bush and mention in some footnote about my identity hence written at top itself. The book also inspired me to come out in open. Not that I was ever hiding . But like all Dalits in india, they aren’t proud of it either or have moral courage to speak with conviction on their identity.

I read somewhere that In India , Muslim has constantly has to prove his patriotism! Dalit his merit & hardwork! Women her character!.

 

Frankly word caste was never of any importance to me as I never felt the need of it. Growing up in small time schools and colleges, caste was never of significance nor importance. My earliest memory was when house owners wanted to know our caste to which my family subtly put it as “We are telugu or andhraites” which is more linguistic or regional identity than caste idenitity. But I was too small to comprehend & left it there. Joining Central Govt where most of colleagues were from North Indian background (& me being fluent English speaking South Indian ) gave less exposure to caste politics . Moreover I was highly Urbanized English educated & cosmopolitan thinking to join any caste group friends or affiliate with any regional language or state cadre groups.

The First Jolt :

But the 1^st experience of caste politics came when I was sitting with some politician , who asked question innocuously. “What is your name?” . I was surprised  as he already knew my name. Again he asked me for my full name. Then it hit me , he wants to know my name so as to identify my caste based on my surname/title. Some where within me this moment hit me , made me defensive. While driving back, I wondered why my body chemistry involuntarily became defensive? Why I lost my over-confident swag?

 

 In that moment, its like ancient memory has woken up. I was literally transported back into time where all castist discrimination, humiliating subtle to direct remarks, those smirks was heaped on my ancestors from today to back to beginning of time. In that micro speck of moment, I could feel what it means to be a Dalit on earth. Like person who woke from deep amnesia, I could see or remember how through out my life I had to experience subtle yet strong caste laced discrimination. Funnily (or foolishly) I hardly recognized any of those as I was always chilled up , very happy going cheerful guy who always got whatever I wanted. So never complained in life.

Now I could see what my high caste gujarati gf (brief relationship decades ago) meant when she said “Praveen, my family wont allow your caste people even at my gate” (I was too dazzled by her to think import of her words btw), or when my tutor constant remarks “Praveen, why are you working so hard, you can easily get through exam” (Btw I was always damn good in science). I realized why Ekalavya & Karna had to face heap of insults due to accident of their low caste birth in mahabaratha. Why Ambedkar is reviled in contemporary india.

The second major jolt came when I got my first promotion. Entire department went ballistic with remarks accusing that I got my promotion only coz of my caste. What conveniently people forgot was I was hardest worker in my posting who delivered results beyond expectations within least resources and worked successfully in tough posting and was transferred more number of times than any of my contemporaries (btw many blame my repeated transfer on caste once again though I never believed it. More on that later). My knowledge in my subject of work is second to none and yet people doubted my efficiency. The barrage of accusations were so many & stinging that, frankly I really regretted accepting the promotion. I should have left the promotion and lived peacefully and unknown.

 

studying history makes you feel like you undertsood something. unless you lived through it, personally felt its consequence , you may not undertsand it " -- Psychology of money