“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect”
--Margaret Mitchell
March
20 was my birthday and that was the day i finished book on Death and Dying. On
my Birth anniversary I was reading book on Death and ruminating on it. Ironic!
First time i heard of
the book "When Breath Becomes Air” was in one of doctor youtube speech. I
was skeptical in reading biographies either on doctors or death as i was more
into thrillers and other genres. But something compelled me to buy that book. First
few pages of book was routine life of author and nothing exciting nor enticing
for my soul that always craved paradoxical contrary elements of Adrenaline rush and Blissful
Calmness.
Every birthday reminds
me of my own mortality and that’s scary. I think, though not sure, keeping our
self very busy with family and profession, not thinking mortal nature of our
bodies and magically believing that we live forever and expert fully ignoring
that from the moment we are born, no matter what path-profession we choose,
ultimately we all share only one destination : Grave!. It’s just another matter
whether we joyfully walk or cribbing, but walk we must. There is no
choice.
Coming back to book….
“Breath becomes Air” is simple autobiography
of talented 36 year Neurosurgeon from Stanford who finds he has lung
cancer. Book chronicles his journey battling cancer and eventually dies before
he completes his memoir. Author philosophies death and describes vividly the
process of cancer gnawing away his life. Paradoxically his wife would be in
advanced stage of pregnancy. So as his life ebbs away from this world , another
life, his daughter, is entering into the world.
As the author being a
Neurosurgeon, book is replete with functioning of mind and its intricacies. Its
amazing to know how complex human mind is like he describes a case where 8 year
adorable kid turns into monster coz of hypothalamus malfunction. It seems just
one “mm” inflammation in his hypothalamus made boy suffer from bursts of anger
and excessive appetite. He started eating nonstop, hurting people around,
becomes obese and finally ends up in asylum. All because of that one crucial
millimeter.(FYI Hypothalamus in brain controls sex, food drive among other
important functions.) Some brain malfunctions (Gerstmann syndrome) we read end
up human ability to read or see or slurry voice or basic math or even wipe out
memories. During one such operation he writes how as little pressure at spot in
brain made patient immensely sad. Sad,for no reason.Now this, I wonder if our
happiness and sadness we experience in this world is result of inner chemicals
or outer events or both?
Author philosophically
describes his medical practice as student when he first cuts open a dead body
in following way which was quite impactful
"Cadaver dissection epitomizes transformation
of respected student into arrogant doctor. You practise CPR on plastic
mannequins. The mannequins you pretend are real; the cadavers you pretend are
fake. In anatomy lab, we objectified the dead, reducing them to organs, tissues,
nerves and muscles. On first day , you cant deny the humanity of corpse. But by
time you skinned the limbs, sliced through inconvenient muscles, pulled out the
lungs, cut open the heart, remove liver, it was hard to recognise this pile of
tissue as human."
We get to know so many
words from medical jargon , understand doctor mindset, doctor's dilemma
when to make some difficult choices that involves life and death , where
difference between tragedy and triumph was defined by 1 or 2 millimetres.
"
Throughout his career,
he plays the role of confident doctor and views world from commanding position of
doctor but finally ends up as patient in the same hospital he operated his patients.
On his death bed, he gets dealt by
medical intensivists, nephrologists, gastroenterologists, endocrinologist,
oncologists, thoracic oncologists, and otolaryngologists etc who all humorously
disagree with each other in treating him
Fragility of human life!
Life can be utterly unfair. Healthy people can fall victim to deadly cancer.
Heavy drunkard/ smokers can go on to live healthy life with no complications. Author
Kushwant singh drank every day died at 99 with natural causes but BKS.Iyengar
Yoga exponent who led healthy lifestyle died due to heartstroke at 98.
“The tricky part of illness is that, as you go through it, your values
are constantly changing. You try to figure out what matters to you, and then
you keep figuring it out. It felt like someone had taken away my credit card
and I was having to learn how to budget. You may decide you want to spend your
time working as a neurosurgeon, but two months later, you may feel differently.
Two months after that, you may want to learn to play the saxophone or devote
yourself to the church. Death may be a one-time event, but living with terminal
illness is a process.”― Paul
Kalanithi, When
Breath Becomes Air
I connect to book in
some matters like, in advanced stage of cancer, his physical strength
diminishes to extent he couldnt even lift glass, couldnt even sit without
backrest for more than an hour. His physical ambitions like climbing mountains
or run a marathon, now reduced to stand on his own with no support, just gain
some strength. His own past, being top doctor reduced to weak patient being
wheelchaired around by his father and wife brings him painful memory.
Though i didnt die but i
remember when i faced it couple of years ago. Lifting tumbler required both
hands and would fall after few minutes. In peak condition i used to jog miles uphill
but during my sickness taking 3-4 steps proved great challenge. Facing death
realigns our world perspective. All unessential identities we gather on rat race
in world will drop like dry leaves. Suddenly simplest things like feeling
taste, pangs of hunger, few walking steps, clear vision etc give great
happiness and hope. Gone are the days you dream Marathon, Scale mountain, vie
for top position, buy new car etc etc. All gone like wisps of mist leaving
basic survival a great challenge to scale. Fear- Frustration- Denial -Anger
finally Acceptance and resignation to fate.
“Science may provide the
most useful way to organize empirical, reproducible data, but its power to do
so is predicated on its inability to grasp the most central aspects of human
life: hope, fear, love, hate, beauty, envy, honor, weakness, striving, suffering,
virtue.”
― Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air
Michael Schumacher who
lived on super fast lane flirted with death all through his F1 driving career
but when was he injured? Crashing into coma while snowboarding!! Life can be dangerously deceptive lulling you
into false sense of security
Finally in the end of the book, author's wife completes the book after his death when he removes his life
support and slips into eternal sleep of death.
Book leaves you insipid
after-taste with mixed feel of sadness and deep introspection. Death gains
centre stage as we question basic fundamental laws of life and death. Book
definitely made me slow my life and look around questioning what and what not
are really important. Life can be utterly fickle and fragile! Isn’t it?
What is time? Your Time need not be my Time. My one day can mean one full life of some insect. Dogs grow into adulthood in 2-3 years and Humans take 20 yrs. Simple astrophysics says light emitted by stars we see are years old. That star has emitted light and we might've taken an month or year to see it. So star lights future is our present experience. What if star imploded and died. Yet after its death we see it as present coz of time taken for light beam to reach us. Past (light reaching us) Present (we are seeing now)Future (from stars view the beam is future event). Hence Past Present and Future existing in single moment.
What is time? Your Time need not be my Time. My one day can mean one full life of some insect. Dogs grow into adulthood in 2-3 years and Humans take 20 yrs. Simple astrophysics says light emitted by stars we see are years old. That star has emitted light and we might've taken an month or year to see it. So star lights future is our present experience. What if star imploded and died. Yet after its death we see it as present coz of time taken for light beam to reach us. Past (light reaching us) Present (we are seeing now)Future (from stars view the beam is future event). Hence Past Present and Future existing in single moment.
