I surrender

 Call me fatalistic or nihilistic or Buddhist but I no longer try to control the situation or people. I began to believe that Chaos & Calmness are what human life forever will be. No matter how wealthy, resourceful & spiritual u r, uncertainty, confusions & chaos will be there.

I choose no longer to judge others in general and primarily myself in particular. If I'm born fool, so be it. Even ants r somehow surviving on this planet, even I will manage somehow.

There is no significance of any event nor I consider any person is special or The One. Life will always be chaotic with gaps filled with waiting for elusive moments of happiness. Nothing can be predictable or goes per plan. Planning works to certain extent but beyond a point, it's all uncertainty & live/act moment by moment.



There is nothing like God's plan for events occured (as religion consoles gullible )or Positive thinking or Affirmations that would change one's life (Except authors bank accounts) . All these are hooks that we hang ourself to explain inexplicable events & pegs for hoping better tomorrow.


Earth is formed from Big bang, hence so would our lives be..always bang bang..now its for me to accept Bang Bang as normal or keep perpetually fighting against it in frustration. I rather ride the waves of uncertainty & take whatever life throws at me than question why it happened or how it should have happened. Like someone said, Life under no circumstances need to follow ur desires or diktats.

U can b most kind person or honest, still bad things might come to u. This is how life was always & eventually will be. Criminal would live in mansion while honest person suffering from hunger. Person who follows healthy diet die young of chronic disease while binge eater live till old age & die peacefully.

"Life is always unfair. Get used to it" - Bill Gates

Saying that, following some rules, discipline, etc may give some satisfaction & "probable" results & some greater hope of leverage over life. But otherwise life has no meaning..I no longer control life..take whatever comes and try to make best of what possible for me and leave the rest to fate and give a damn which ever direction it goes.

Yes, saying that, there are moments of bliss , wonder & awe of life. How gigantic it is. So endless, vast that one life of human or planet or galaxies stand millionth of dust in schemes of Creation. When I see my own insignificance in this gigantic Creation, all my issues vaporize. When I realise this, my senses fall silent....I surrender ...!!!

Mission Passion

 

     "Duty done out of desire becomes ultimate delight"

I used to work in Govt bank. I never liked working in bank and I also didn’t like myself. Bouts of grumpiness, irritation over  failures in past, frustrated over wrong turns I took in life, old regrets surfaced occasionally as I lived alone. I merely existed in bank. But that doesn’t mean, I was bad at work. I was quite efficient & but just did what was expected from me. Not more. Its not that I didn’t enjoy my life. I watched films, read books, tried meditation, ate good food. Yet something in me was missing. Life was insipid, tasteless and I merely existed. One fine day, something snapped. I just called it quits. Entire world dissuaded me not to, considering my age. Many of friends & colleagues felt iam crazy, total failure and some just avoided me all together.  I didn’t have any job, or plan. For an year I just travelled, prepared for govt jobs etc. one fine day , I got landed in particular line of work in Govt services. It was stroke of luck & total grace. All my life I day dreamed this line of work. I used to watch those action films, read voraciously on these topics, dreamed in nights. Voila!, Now it has become reality.

 

Amsterdam. Pc: Rashmi

     As I joined the job, I realized I was the oldest guy in my batch. But I realized, I absorbed the subject like sponge and craved for more. i realized that huge heavy black cloud of regret & frustration lifted magically. In job , I felt light & energetic. I could feel energy pulsuating through. Even insignificant act appeared wonderful, if not sacred. It might appear mundane to world. But every moment became cause of joy & celebration. Results never mattered somehow as I was thoroughly enjoying the process of getting the job done. My heart became full to brim, smiles more from soul, enthusiasm naturally radiated. Somehow others felt it too. Though I was always with same face with no modification by any make up, now world felt I was attractive. This was surprise to me as well.  I was learning from all other unrelated jobs & tried to inculcate in my line of work with wonderful results. I enjoyed world to extent, many qualities like jealousy , cribbing, anger, stress, need for appreciation, desire for name/fame/awards/rewards etc dropped naturally and desire to learn &, contribute more increased phenomenally. I almost stopped reading fiction books or watching films. When life& reality  itself has become more exciting then why watch virtual make believe entertainments . Life went zen like mode.

Vizag. PC: Mallik 

     I realized If you are passionate about your work, you can do the same amount of job in fraction of time. Its not how long you sit to work but how good you feel doing it. Working for 10 hours at office and carrying load mentally back home is definitely miserable way to live. When more than half of your life is spent at work place, it better be great place to be.

    When you take up job that is close to your heart, its natural that you try to learn as much as you can from all quarters. More we know about our trade, more clarity on work field. More clarity leads to better decision making based on clear vision than guess work . All this end in generating more confidence in yourself. There may or may not be chances of earning more money or name or fame. But its definite that there is more calm and contentment in life.

Auroville, pondicherry 

     While I say this, it doesn’t mean that things don’t go wrong. At any given point of time no human has all information to make perfect decision. Things can go wrong. Blunders and utter failures may rise. It could be painful but need not be suffering. Failing might lead to new lessons, detours and redirection of our path. More experience to arsenal of thinking. Its better fail in cause of our liking than fail in jobs based on borrowed dreams. Of course at times, things didn’t work and I had to face ire of seniors. But I never felt the hurt or embarrassment . I knew my efforts were undoubtedly 100% and took their scolding as course correction or lessons for future (at times I even jotted down) & felt I grew more wiser now. Now I began to love myself & respect myself knowing I will go to grave with no regrets.

     Doing the job you are fond of is akin to floating while smelling sweet scent as against doing job which you have no desire is like dragging halfdead soul-less body by hooks painfully punctured into your skin. Quite often due to lack of enthusiasm in job gives rise to sheer wastage of huge amounts of energy putting enormous strain on physical and mental system. They are the ones who are always cranky and screaming kinds. Somewhere deep inside they are hurt and bitter. Either with life or themselves. I was there , but grace pulled me out. Perhaps I was persistent day dreamer and universe was kind to help me out. For this gift, I bow thee.

 

 

 

2020: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

 

The year that was:

        Though era of corona has ushered all negative fall out, for me not all was negative. There was some good, bad and ugly. Here are few interesting takeaways. While there was global gloom & Depression doom all over, I hardly felt anything. Be it claustrophobia or depression due to lockdown and lack of social interactions. Well, that’s my daily lifestyle for decades. On contrary, Lockdown gave opportunity to sleep peacefully, read in tons,

 

THE GOOD!

        When corona struck , no news that came was good news. Economies tumbled, jobs lost, lives snuffed away, migrants crisis…all while working alone in office with most of staff doing WFH. (since I live in same building as office, I was attending it everyday). Somewhere in this time of boredom & monotony & era of corona, 1^st half of year spent in devouring books voraciously while second half entered the cupid.

Obsessive Bibilophile

        While entire world shifted to online platform and Netflix/Amazon Prime became way to kill time for most, I took to AmazonKindle. I roughly must have read more than 100 books this year (Amazon Kindle says I read 164 books. Though I doubt It or , it must have taken account of all comics and other small books of no relevance. However I definitely read 35+ big books. More on those books in other blog. Like Osho says " For me , Books are love affair". I concur. Btw on flip side, spending so much time gazing at screen also increased my eye sight.

Covid & Cupid

Many have different collections & hobbies like travelling new places or collecting things. I dont travel places. i explore people. esp interesting and unique. i always fall in love with people with passion living or striving for their dreams. i love to listen to their stories of adventure and valour. Struggle & victory etc. I always respect interesting interactions, meeting interesting people. In such pursuit, i happen to meet this person.       

 We hit off from very first moment of interaction. I was dazzled by her sheer energy & exuberance. The calls went late in night. Call it initial euphoria or her infectious electrifying engaging conversation. The cackle of her smile, rolling of her eyes, mischievous glint in her eyes. Bible says “ No one has seen tomorrow” , even I wonder what’s tomorrow or fate of this relationship. I don’t know. Considering my eccentricities & her quirkiness, I really don’t know. But nevertheless my journey on this planet definitely was enriched by her presence & interaction. Moreover This is first time I ever meeting an accomplished - hard working-army officer-entrepreneur  and lovely lady. On flip side, hilariously she remembers date & time of every faux pas of mine and arguement. (so stereotypical yet cute)

 

THE BAD

        2020 has only one theme for entire globe : CORONA VIRUS pandemic. No one escaped its wrath. Rich & poor nations, democracies & dictatorial, East & West, believers & atheists, fanatics & liberals, healthy & unhealthy…no one escaped virus onslaught. Work from Home, Lockdown, Sanitizer, Quarantine has become part of daily language while social distancing, masks , hand santisers became part of our bodies for long time to come.

Corona & Conspiracies :

Is Covid virus man made or accidental leap from animal? Did china unleash virus to dominate world? So many conspiracies feeding internet how china is now buying all American companies after they went bust on stockmarket, how Beijing witnessed less virus though its near Wuhan which is birth place of virus. Did china unleash to take over hong Kong as pro-democratic protest are on rise? Or is it do with latest 5g tech? well, so many stories and I am total conspiracy buff.

THE UGLY:

 New place: Sudden relocation brought in intense bitterness as this is my 4th in last 4 years. Despite all auto positive self suggestion, bitterness just didnt want to leave. Disappointment at fate, disagreement (should i say raging anger & loss of trust) with leadership, anger at my own self followed by intense loneliness & psychological divide & distance with my family within me following the relocation ..all bundle of tumultuous emotions giving birth to new life doctrine which i would be henceforth adapting. All positive words of encouragement by colleagues, self image boosting words from near & dear, tons of self talk from self-help books failed to smoothen the balm over my bruised psyche. However i do intend to make new place best & productive to myself. Inshallah..!!

I wonder what 2021 usher in?. To mock Gods, tell your plans. Man proposes, God disposes.....Yet man achieves. i just want to be better person to myself.

Corona Post-2: Who are Real Heros??

Corona post 2: We all are Heros.

These days there is sufficient gaps of free time for me to waste and crib around. All corona effect. Couple of days back one of my friend in security forces forwarded me a whatsapp message stating how some Para commandos were killed in some action. I was quite surprised , how come when elite commandos got killed , no newspaper screamed for war, or news channels roared at Pakistan from depths of throats , nor any retd General in high decibel debate on right wing channel declared surgical strike?. How come nothing happened?

Virus that brought world to knees

Couple of weeks back 15 security forces were slaughtered in Naxal attack in Sukma district. The news figured in some corner of newspapers. On any other day, entire drama would have ensued on how forces had poor equipment, intel failure or one party blaming other, Akshay kumar would have extended his solidarity and some other film director planning on movie on incident. How come nothing of such sorts happened ?

The people who were killed from elite para. There was time patriotism means jawan in battle fatigues. Later it was officers of rank “Lt or Major” (I think Lt Col is more uncle for movies). Now the trend is nothing short of Maroon berets, the elite Para commandos whose legends are spoken in hush & awe. Same with police force. Earlier it was SI rank guy who could have clobbered big Don. Later it was Encounter specialists , the darling of police lore. Now its IPS officers.

Now the nation latest heros are Doctors & Health Dept who are combating tirelessly against Global contagion virus Corona. I think world for my generation hence forth would be Pre Corona and Post Corona. Well, while not taking any glory & fame from any profession, I think , public are fickle in their adulation. And also every crisis brought new Heros.

When Sept 11,2001 terror attacks happened, Fire fighters were new heros. When Mission Mars by ISRO began, Scientists were splashed in all media and our patriot Akshay kumar made movie Mission Mangalyan. (hope I got the name right. Not much into films). When Veerapan the elusive bandit was killed, Special Task Force (Tamilnadu) were glorified by Chief Minister. Post Pulwama, Indian Airforce were Warriors. (Do I hear Uri-II in pipeline?Haha). In between all don’t forget Salman khan & Sunny Deol and others as RAW agents deep in Pakistan whacking entire regiment singlehandedly. Farmer march in maharahstra brought farmers into forefront.During Demonetization , Bankers were new superheros (and we all wished we had banker friends 😊 isn’t it?.), Rest of time Tech Giants & Global Billion Dollar Corporates steal the show. And RajiniKanth is always hero who can frighten Ghosts &Aliens & Robots alike. 

Once I was talking with some pretty head who has multiple friends in all arms of Security forces who confessed: “Every security wing claims to be primary force and last line defence”. Victory would be claimed by all forces. Batkal the dreaded terror, on whom flop film “Indias most Wanted” was made, it seems every department claimed to have caught him viz Delhi team, Bihar team, Spl Ops, SSB, Police etc. My senior from Revenue Dept from college says, all these Securty forces are bombastic with little to contribute. For State , its Revenue first, Security comes second. Nation can be ruled by anyone. For common man it means nothing as we seen in history. Be it Mughals, Hindus or British, Common man just didn’t care (except few, blame it on diversity & conflicting ideologies). But Revenue dept was most sought after then and now. (District Collector is best example. Collector literally means one who collects taxes). By the way, my senior is no empty braggart. He is responsible for Govt of India securing 400 crore from tax fraud.

Farmers March in Mumbai

I guess speaking to so many people from different sectors , Public-Private-PSU, who is most important or her
o of the State? Well, I think while man with gun (Security forces) always stir up emotions of patriotism and raw courage, every department is contributing their share. State is gigantic structure every small nut & bolt is as important as pivotal structure. Remove one tiny nut, entire structure would collapse. Every organization is as important as other. There are bad apples and heros in every organization.

From other angle,  I think aam admi or common citizen is real hero. He has no super powers such as Red light on his vehicle, weapon to defend. He votes diligently , pays his taxes obediently . He faces worst discrimination on daily basis. yet hopes for brighter tomorrow. Who are these Aam Admi? Its our mothers & fathers. Its You!!     What do you say??

Corona Post-1, Palm Sunday Post

As usual my alarm in my phones started buzzing hours before sun break . As I woke up I realized its Sunday and decided to relax a bit and give my routine life a break. That means eat some junk , no exercise , pamper myself a bit (like taking my weekly bath with half bucket of water (save water dude!). ..

The moment I decided to relax, body has become hyper active and fresh. I was surprised! Coz Daily it groans and comes with million excuses why it cant wear shoes for a jog or lack of time to do all chores. But today its vitality is high&mood fresh. I notice my mind is missing my diet or exercise. Mind is cunning creature. It always wants what you don’t want or have. Its like we like to go school only on holidays.

Well saying that, couple of days back I happen to know about a girl. She was just out of world or so I felt. Globe solo traveler, entrepreneur, with amazing adventurous stories adding to her life resume. Her biography was too sizzling and for a moment it stirred my amnesic  masculinity,  redundant buried brains & comatose body. Then I remembered all women in my life viz from family to half-gfs, childish crushes etc. All were hyper capable than me. And I am always at awe of them. Infact if not for their constant prodding and nagging, I would have been still a primitive caveman in some cave happily content with my stone club & cave. Every person I come across seem to be better than me. While one friend of mine takes loan to travel, I cancel tickets in less than 2 minutes out of fear of solo travel (and with heavy cancellation fees). “What a pathetic life I live”…that’s what others think…haha

@AndhraBhavan,Delhi:  Enjoying small pleasures & gifts of life.

Wait, despite of all negatives in my life when was the last time I felt sad? Not in recent memory !..when was the last time I felt miserable ? Almost never! We seem to focus on others life high points or FB pix so much that we forget great things in our own lives. Grass is not just green other side, Its also green where you focus and water. We always seem to be living on borrowed dreams. We all are heros & villans in some or other persons story. While feeling envious of someones large life-resume, I forget iam quite good in million things which probably evoke awe & envy in many others. No matter how passionate we are with our work, over a period of time it becomes monotonous. And here at this point, we look out of our lives to peep into others. Looking closely enough, we find what we want to find. Focus on things you have, you have plenty to be of gratitude; focus on bad, list would be endless misery. Its your choice. Iam sure there is no end to desires. I am not saying to lead stagnant life. Iam just saying while learning from others, stop comparing with others and be proud of whatever you are. (unless u r me..haha).

Btw to those don’t know, I lead very joyful fulfilled life effortlessly .  

2019: The year that was...!!!

Friends! How did your 2019 fare? Good?, Bad? Ugly? Phenomenal? Mixed bag? It’s a chilly day out here and sitting alone in my flat I just happen to look back at 2019. 2019 for me personally seem to be transitional. Transitional I say as I happen to see subtle nevertheless obvious changes in me. Personally, Professionally, Spiritually etc.

Year began with lovely books

   I don’t know why these changes took place. But I believe (which I may be wrong) because of either iam getting older hence more mature such that I can see events from perspective or meditation, which I seem to have done with some regularity has given me greater clarity. Whatsoever is the reason , this year I met more number of people, read more books, meditated more, Met people whom i havent met for 5 years, More thankful & gratitude to Universe, More positive, , Ate healthy, satisfied career, led more healthy life, exercised more, relaxed and content…finally “Yeh Dil Mange More”.

             Other day my barber who lives close by , remarked:

“Sir, I never see you partying, roaming or with any social life. You eat alone, move alone, never seem to talk on films or regular gossip”.

few of many interesting books i happen to read

              Well, its not easy to be in relationship with me and I find it hard to mix with people. Its sheer torture for me to suffer others ignorance and  stupidity. Not that iam smarter or more intelligent, but so far iam more contented and I cant bear anyone’s presence (& their complaints of life) beyond half an hour. I easily get bored of anyone nor I subscribe to others philosophies . I am not introvert but very very few things excite me and most of world is not into those things. Iam more text-person than talk-person. Iam more book-person that hangout-person. Quite a complicated character I guess iam and I aint yet intelligent to figure myself out.

Life turning self help books i read this year

The Mystical Journey of Life :

Professionally I began to enjoy my work than worry over results. The job well done generated more satisfaction than that of rewards & awards that might/may come consequently. I began to jump at any new experience in work more willingly, knowing new experience, be it success of failure would only enrich me professionally. Every work challenge I moved with “I Can”! mindset. Not once did I ever say to my boss negatively. Its always “ Its done or it will be done”. Somehow I was definitely sure that I could pull the solution out or Universe is benevolent in revealing itself.

Personally I could see vast changes within me. In Dec 2018, hardly I could run 100 metres without chest paining and lungs bursting. Come Dec 2019, I could easily run 10Km before the first bead of sweat breaks in. Been living minimal as much as possible. I cut down useless junk in life, be it humans or old clothes or electronic stuff. By end of day I deleted all social media messages/chat conversations. The idea is to delete “idea of memory and allied emotions” attached to it. (well, married men cant do it of course, hahahaha). Dumped old/new things which I felt I am no longer happy with even if I spent bomb on them.

most wise book i read this year

Beginning of year I undergone yoga training which I more or less practiced it regularly. I guess that’s where results crept from. There seems tremendous confidence gushing in me. I began to have greater clarity over life and events (sometimes scared that confidence might have led to arrogance). I happen to have greater control over my emotions. I was ready to let go and leave irrelevant issues to others advantage than fight stubbornly. I began to accept things as they are than worry over “if perhaps, it should ve been like this”.

There were some experiences which made me more sympathetic to world outside me. Hence I decided to do my part to society, be it materially or ideologically. I decided to donate at least 10% of my salary to disadvantaged sections of society. I wish greater confidence could be inculcated among children from rural areas or social welfare hostels. My identity in society and my identity in vast universe seems to become clear. As my social identity gets concretized, My identity in vast creation seems more confused or blending in itself.   Looks like iam evolving..Am i? I wonder.

Thus my 2019 ended. It could be launchpad for future . Lets see how experiences that enriched my soul in 2019 would impact my life by end of 2020.

On Other Mind...!!!

Lost in thought and wondered?

Can there be Other Mind ? which is running the world from behind the scenes silently?

All greatest philosophies, inventions, events , those eureka moments , brilliant flashes that changed the course of mankind. What if those eminent people were subtly guided , silently by Higher powers or Other Mind? What if these scientists, politicians, painters, poets etc were just tools or shells for the evolution of mankind. Those Higher powers, call them Aliens or Gods or Prophets or whatever,  giving push to human race in all fields of life. Be it politics, science or culture etc

What if ideas for peace has been subtly inserted during WW2, or concept of non violence into Gandhi consciousness or idea of  submarines in novelist Jules Verne's book “20000 leagues under the sea”, or many medical cures or scientific wonders that were accidently discovered or paintings/ poetry accidently inspired. What if revolutionary political ideas which were unthinkable in those times such as Anti colonialism, Anti slavery etc were inserted into Reformers minds?

How could those ideas suddenly just flash into mind?. Normally all our thoughts are just rehash of old ones or just little extension of current ones. But can someone just think the unthinkable? Just think over, when was the last time you thought something that is 100% unique and original and new thought which has absolute zero connection with entire past of mankind?

Highly difficult if not out right impossible! It's like taking next breath without taking the current breath. The moment u hold & take the breath, it becomes current breath. Getting what iam saying?

Are these Influencers ,The Gods or their Representatives or Aliens or something that I cannot think as those thoughts (to name them) not coded in human brain yet to prevent someone discovering these Influencers?

Now can I say this article is original? If I dig deeper into my train of thought that resulted this article, I can see that this idea came from talks of a saint who in some speech said "Gandhi was influenced by his friend. His friend was actually a saint in human form who was subtly influencing the chain of events in history. Once his job was over,  He quietly exited as he lived, he says"

This set of chain of thoughts, what if all major events were  guided by Other Powers or Other Big Mind? What if idea of Submarine was inserted into jules verne which was popularised in his novel. Later threads were picked by scientists who built it. Remember when jules verne came concept of submarine, even electric engine wasn't in vogue. Maybe Jules Verne role is just to create the idea of submarine and later in future someone to pick the idea and manifest it into reality? Fiction of past inspiring future technologies!. The germ of idea left to germinate in far future!

 In espionage tradecraft there are techniques , say , if a person A needs to befriend target B then  entire scenario would be created in advance where in target-B would meet agent-A in circumstance where it appears to target-B totally natural or meeting a coincidence so that he doesn’t feel being manipulated. When reality is entire scenario is created for meeting between these people. That's how deception is used in espionage. What if Earth planet is a huge deception or illusion which scriptures call it Karma & Hollywood as Matrix?

I  happen to read somewhere whose gist is as follows: A group of monkeys develop certain behaviour in some remote island. Subsequently all monkeys on other island exhibit similar behavior despite no contact between two groups. How did they develop ? Coincidence or accidental discovery or some undercurrent connection of universal mind with these primates who instinctively logged on?

We try to give some terms for such inspirations as Serendipity, Coincidence, Lucky accident, Déjà vu etc. Human minds abhor vacuum and tries to search rational explanations to illogical events. Atleast terms to signify such moments till we find correct answers.

What if my own role is to create spark and some reader create bonfire out of it in far future? Well, whoever is reading, I wanna you continue this or hear ur opinion!.

Pursuit of Happiness

PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS-HEDONIST OPINES

Its 1030 pm. I just returned from jog. Sweating profusely definitely kicks in dopamine high. Certainly some people looked at me weirdly as I was jogging in night time. But who cares! I just live for myself. As I was jogging , this blogpost got created in my mind hence I wrote it down before I forget.

Make yourself happy. What makes you happy? Not the world definition (Cash,Car&Castle!). Surrendering to world definition is worst form of slavery I believe. Trying to go by world standards of happiness would eventually make one slave and dissatisfied, disgruntled at death bed for not living life on his terms. 

I asked myself million times why I do something I do. Be it my job, hobbies I pursue, food I eat, games I play, people I spend with, things I do. Again and again! Just to get clarity. Just to see if I am doing to impress someone, prove a point to someone, to be part of society niche or for the world. Being brutal with self cuts down many layers of confusion, deception of mind, illusion of society programming.

Society programs human to do its bidding. Society hypnotizes us driving in the fear of missing the bus of life or missing the life itself.   I believe none of your thoughts which propel to some action are yours. But, they are borrowed from mass media, gossip or society.  “Date someone (Peer pressure), Get married  (even if u don’t like), buy a good car (more to impress and don’t forget those EMI’s), high paying job (Even if  its not of your inclination), Grow 6-pack abs (though I love yoga or sports), Travel world (Its new In-thing), Smoke-drink-eat like king (even when stomach groans under overload)” etc etc…I can continue forever. Society does tinker with our beliefs endlessly.

photo courtesy@ Mallik

The last thing I want on my death bed is “Regret”. I want to be brutally honest with myself. I quit 3 jobs to get job I truly enjoy. (You spend most part of life working in office , so better chose  job that gives you happiness than stress). I pursued many things before I realized simple book gives me more happiness than seeing the world or going to malls or movies. I realized jogging or yoga or simple veg meals give me satisfied guilt free sleep than gobbling heavy junk and not exercising . Having less possessions, manageable things and clutter free house for me brings more positivity , light than too many riches.

I realized less you live your life of your dreams, more you start to live in dreams than reality. To compensate the incompletion, You would end up creating multiple personalities within yourself. Always trying to prove yourself to the world. (Trust me, World is least interested in you. It has 7 billion like you).  Slowly if you love yourself and pursue your calling/happiness, less those personalities within each. Finally there would be only one. Inside and Outside! Life is complete. Comfortable in your skin.  No regrets whatsoever!

Once you are fulfilled, then world around you becomes joyful. Your work or relationship is more out of your joy than you trying to suck joy from others.  Your relationship with world is expression of your joy than cunning transaction.

Saying that, I rest my case. Iam no fanatic nor prisoner of my opinion. If iam wrong, iam open to correction. I am waiting. Adios Amigos.

When Death Comes Knocking

“Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect”

--Margaret Mitchell

March 20 was my birthday and that was the day i finished book on Death and Dying. On my Birth anniversary I was reading book on Death and ruminating on it. Ironic!

First time i heard of the book "When Breath Becomes Air” was in one of doctor youtube speech. I was skeptical in reading biographies either on doctors or death as i was more into thrillers and other genres. But something compelled me to buy that book. First few pages of book was routine life of author and nothing exciting nor enticing for my soul that always craved paradoxical contrary  elements of Adrenaline rush and Blissful Calmness.

Every birthday reminds me of my own mortality and that’s scary. I think, though not sure, keeping our self very busy with family and profession, not thinking mortal nature of our bodies and magically believing that we live forever and expert fully ignoring that from the moment we are born, no matter what path-profession we choose, ultimately we all share only one destination : Grave!. It’s just another matter whether we joyfully walk or cribbing, but walk we must.  There is no choice.

Coming back to book….

 “Breath becomes Air” is simple autobiography of talented 36 year  Neurosurgeon from Stanford who finds he has lung cancer. Book chronicles his journey battling cancer and eventually dies before he completes his memoir. Author philosophies death and describes vividly the process of cancer gnawing away his life. Paradoxically his wife would be in advanced stage of pregnancy. So as his life ebbs away from this world , another life, his daughter, is entering into the world.

As the author being a Neurosurgeon, book is replete with functioning of mind and its intricacies. Its amazing to know how complex human mind is like he describes a case where 8 year adorable kid turns into monster coz of hypothalamus malfunction. It seems just one “mm” inflammation in his hypothalamus made boy suffer from bursts of anger and excessive appetite. He started eating nonstop, hurting people around, becomes obese and finally ends up in asylum. All because of that one crucial millimeter.(FYI Hypothalamus in brain controls sex, food drive among other important functions.) Some brain malfunctions (Gerstmann syndrome) we read end up human ability to read or see or slurry voice or basic math or even wipe out memories. During one such operation he writes how as little pressure at spot in brain made patient immensely sad. Sad,for no reason.Now this, I wonder if our happiness and sadness we experience in this world is result of inner chemicals or outer events or both?

Author philosophically describes his medical practice as student when he first cuts open a dead body in following way which was quite impactful

"Cadaver dissection epitomizes transformation of respected student into arrogant doctor. You practise CPR on plastic mannequins. The mannequins you pretend are real; the cadavers you pretend are fake. In anatomy lab, we objectified the dead, reducing them to organs, tissues, nerves and muscles. On first day , you cant deny the humanity of corpse. But by time you skinned the limbs, sliced through inconvenient muscles, pulled out the lungs, cut open the heart, remove liver, it was hard to recognise this pile of tissue as  human."

We get to know so many words from medical jargon , understand doctor mindset,  doctor's dilemma when to make some difficult choices that involves life and death , where difference between tragedy and triumph was defined by 1 or 2 millimetres.

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Throughout his career, he plays the role of confident doctor and views world from commanding position of doctor but finally ends up as patient in the same hospital he operated his patients.  On his death bed, he gets dealt by medical intensivists, nephrologists, gastroenterologists, endocrinologist, oncologists, thoracic oncologists, and otolaryngologists etc who all humorously disagree with each other in treating him

Fragility of human life! Life can be utterly unfair. Healthy people can fall victim to deadly cancer. Heavy drunkard/ smokers can go on to live healthy life with no complications. Author Kushwant singh drank every day died at 99 with natural causes but BKS.Iyengar Yoga exponent who led healthy lifestyle died due to heartstroke at 98.

 “The tricky part of illness is that, as you go through it, your values are constantly changing. You try to figure out what matters to you, and then you keep figuring it out. It felt like someone had taken away my credit card and I was having to learn how to budget. You may decide you want to spend your time working as a neurosurgeon, but two months later, you may feel differently. Two months after that, you may want to learn to play the saxophone or devote yourself to the church. Death may be a one-time event, but living with terminal illness is a process.”― Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air

I connect to book in some matters like, in advanced stage of cancer, his physical strength diminishes to extent he couldnt even lift glass, couldnt even sit without backrest for more than an hour. His physical ambitions like climbing mountains or run a marathon, now reduced to stand on his own with no support, just gain some strength. His own past, being top doctor reduced to weak patient being wheelchaired around by his father and wife brings him painful memory. 

Though i didnt die but i remember when i faced it couple of years ago. Lifting tumbler required both hands and would fall after few minutes. In peak condition i used to jog miles uphill but during my sickness taking 3-4 steps proved great challenge. Facing death realigns our world perspective. All unessential identities we gather on rat race in world will drop like dry leaves. Suddenly simplest things like feeling taste, pangs of hunger, few walking steps, clear vision etc give great happiness and hope. Gone are the days you dream Marathon, Scale mountain, vie for top position, buy new car etc etc. All gone like wisps of mist leaving basic survival a great challenge to scale.  Fear- Frustration- Denial -Anger finally Acceptance and resignation to fate.  

 “Science may provide the most useful way to organize empirical, reproducible data, but its power to do so is predicated on its inability to grasp the most central aspects of human life: hope, fear, love, hate, beauty, envy, honor, weakness, striving, suffering, virtue.” 

― Paul Kalanithi, When Breath Becomes Air

Michael Schumacher who lived on super fast lane flirted with death all through his F1 driving career but when was he injured? Crashing into coma while snowboarding!!  Life can be dangerously deceptive lulling you into false sense of security 

Finally in the end of the book, author's wife completes the book after his death when he removes his life support and slips into eternal sleep of death. 

Book leaves you insipid after-taste with mixed feel of sadness and deep introspection. Death gains centre stage as we question basic fundamental laws of life and death. Book definitely made me slow my life and look around questioning what and what not are really important. Life can be utterly fickle and fragile! Isn’t it?