Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when my relationship ended two days ago.
Other day I had my heart broken to smithereens. I never thought at this age, I would face such devastation. I realised body may grow old, but energies and feelings are ever new. My life has always been beautiful fairytale till yesterday only to crash like meteor on mirror. I'm jotting this, as wounds are still fresh, blood still warm, heart : still throbbing weakly in its final moments.
2024 started with meeting a woman . Unplanned. Unexpected. Out of blue. We clicked instantly. From zero to rocket speeds within hours our relationship progressed. Never ever in my life I became so transparent and for the 1st time I let down all my guards. In all my previous relationships, I wanted miracles to happen but here I wanted to create my own miracle. I wanted to be creator of my fate & future. Didn't want anything to be left to chance.
Just like it started, it stopped suddenly. No reason. No warning. Crashed. How & why? No answers. For 1st time, I felt both intense pain & fiery rage. Deep vacuum like black hole & sudden directionless in life. I wanted answers & clarity and clarification. Nothing came forth. How can any human be so cruel. She suddenly stopped & called it The end. No reason. Nothing. Just The end. Incredible intense anger spread every nerve to point I feared my nerves may burst.
Just like it started, it stopped suddenly. No reason. No warning. Crashed. How & why? No answers. For 1st time, I felt both intense pain & fiery rage. Deep vacuum like black hole & sudden directionless in life. I wanted answers & clarity and clarification. Nothing came forth. How can any human be so cruel. She suddenly stopped & called it The end. No reason. Nothing. Just The end. Incredible intense anger spread every nerve to point I feared my nerves may burst.
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| Where did promise of forever go? |
Maybe this is what vengeful who killed their lovers or killed themselves must ve felt. Maybe this is how a person feels when loved ones dies. Maybe this why someone goes extreme and use black magic to get their lovers back. Is this when man commits suicide or goes to Ashrams or gets drunk to numb the pain. Man loses his sanity and rationality. I definitely won't be doing any of those . I hope. But iam afraid.
I m very afraid that my anger, bitterness and sadness would harm my health.
I'm afraid that my ugly irritation n mood swings I carry wud hurt family and colleagues.
I'm scared that i might shout at someone or worst , I may hurt myself.
I'm afraid I wud succumb to bitterness and negativity.
I'm scared that I just go into purposeless hookups n hurt others.
I'm.scared I wud do something stupid.
I'm afraid that I eat more or starve myself
I'm afraid that I may withdraw become recluse or just over indulge myself.
I feel I may lose confidence in myself or lose faith in world.
I regret falling so deep. I really want her back all while I don't want her back. I can never trust her or maybe I can trust any woman ever.
. I really want her to suffer the pain as I feel , but my civility doesn't want to hurt anyone. I really want her to feel guilt, while I feel to let go.
This duality is screwing my gut n mind
I don't know whom 2 blame or whom to get angry on. God? or girl ?or my fate or my stupidity?. Maybe it's "Easy come and Easy go". I don't know. All now I can see is endless ocean of darkness.
I m very afraid that my anger, bitterness and sadness would harm my health.
I'm afraid that my ugly irritation n mood swings I carry wud hurt family and colleagues.
I'm scared that i might shout at someone or worst , I may hurt myself.
I'm afraid I wud succumb to bitterness and negativity.
I'm scared that I just go into purposeless hookups n hurt others.
I'm.scared I wud do something stupid.
I'm afraid that I eat more or starve myself
I'm afraid that I may withdraw become recluse or just over indulge myself.
I feel I may lose confidence in myself or lose faith in world.
I regret falling so deep. I really want her back all while I don't want her back. I can never trust her or maybe I can trust any woman ever.
. I really want her to suffer the pain as I feel , but my civility doesn't want to hurt anyone. I really want her to feel guilt, while I feel to let go.
This duality is screwing my gut n mind
I don't know whom 2 blame or whom to get angry on. God? or girl ?or my fate or my stupidity?. Maybe it's "Easy come and Easy go". I don't know. All now I can see is endless ocean of darkness.
When luck abandons & all things fall & fail at sametime, not giving you chance to recover or understand the situation.
The sudden vacuum sending my soul into abyss of shame of loss. In front of my eyes, I see entire skyscraper of my dreams crashing which spurred me into desperation and do stupid things. All the wisdom, intelligence and reason left my brains. My mind stopped working and unable to process the shock. Already heart stopped, now brains not working properly as well. Erratic, indecisive, hopelessness, forgetfulness, purposelessness directionless, fear, blurred clarity.
I know, I have to move on. It will take time. But questions are still unanswered. There is no closure. Maybe I should have gone slow. I shouldn't have done stupid things. But my bruised heart doesn't understand logic.
My mind understands. Intellectually I understand. But how to convince my heart that fails to grasp reason and reality? How I really wish God had toll free customer care no so that I question why was I made to face this when I didn't do anything wrong 😢
Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when it ended two days ago.
