Hardest fall of my life when my heart broke- part1

 Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when my relationship ended two days ago.

Other day I had my heart broken to smithereens. I never thought at this age, I would face such devastation. I realised body may grow old, but energies and feelings are ever new. My life has always been beautiful fairytale till yesterday only to crash like meteor on mirror. I'm jotting this, as wounds are still fresh, blood still warm, heart : still throbbing weakly in its final moments. 

2024 started with meeting a woman . Unplanned. Unexpected. Out of blue. We clicked instantly. From zero to rocket speeds within hours our relationship progressed. Never ever in my life I became so transparent and for the 1st time I let down all my guards. In all my previous relationships, I wanted miracles to happen but here I wanted to create my own miracle. I wanted to be creator of my fate & future. Didn't want anything to be left to chance.

Just like it started, it stopped suddenly. No reason. No warning. Crashed. How & why? No answers. For 1st time, I felt both intense pain & fiery rage. Deep vacuum like black hole & sudden directionless in life. I wanted answers & clarity and clarification. Nothing came forth. How can any human be so cruel. She suddenly stopped & called it The end. No reason. Nothing. Just The end. Incredible intense anger spread every nerve to point I feared my nerves may burst.

Where did promise of forever go?

Maybe this is what vengeful who killed their lovers or killed themselves must ve felt. Maybe this is how a person feels when loved ones dies. Maybe this why someone goes extreme and use black magic to get their lovers back. Is this when man commits suicide or goes to Ashrams or gets drunk to numb the pain. Man loses his sanity and rationality. I definitely won't be doing any of those . I hope. But iam afraid.


I m very afraid that my anger, bitterness and sadness would harm my health.

I'm afraid that my ugly irritation n mood swings I carry wud hurt family and colleagues.

I'm scared that i might shout at someone or worst , I may hurt myself.

I'm afraid I wud succumb to bitterness and negativity.

I'm scared that I just go into purposeless hookups n hurt others.

I'm.scared I wud do something stupid.

I'm afraid that I eat more or starve myself

I'm afraid that I may withdraw become recluse or just over indulge myself.

I feel I may lose confidence in myself or lose faith in world.

I regret falling so deep. I really want her back all while I don't want her back. I can never trust her or maybe I can trust any woman ever.

. I really want her to suffer the pain as I feel , but my civility doesn't want to hurt anyone. I really want her to feel guilt, while I feel to let go.

This duality is screwing my gut n mind
I don't know whom 2 blame or whom to get angry on. God? or girl ?or my fate or my stupidity?. Maybe it's "Easy come and Easy go". I don't know. All now I can see is endless ocean of darkness.

 

When luck abandons & all things fall & fail at sametime, not giving you chance to recover or understand the situation.

The sudden vacuum sending my soul into abyss of shame of loss. In front of my eyes, I see entire skyscraper of my dreams crashing which spurred me into desperation and do stupid things. All the wisdom, intelligence and reason left my brains. My mind stopped working and unable to process the shock. Already heart stopped, now brains not working properly as well. Erratic, indecisive, hopelessness, forgetfulness, purposelessness directionless, fear, blurred clarity.

 

I know, I have to move on. It will take time. But questions are still unanswered. There is no closure. Maybe I should have gone slow. I shouldn't have done stupid things. But my bruised heart doesn't understand logic.

My mind understands. Intellectually I understand. But how to convince my heart that fails to grasp reason and reality? How I really wish God had toll free customer care no so that I question why was I made to face this when I didn't do anything wrong 😢

Part 2 I will write on how it all started. This, part 1, my emotional tornado when it ended two days ago.

Conscious Immortality

Tiruvanamali is one place that's closer to my heart for its strong positive spiritual vibes. Ramana ashram, Arunachaleshwara temple, holy hill of Arunachala , girivalem (circumbulation around holy hill) are highlights that one should visit. During my recent visit, I bought book "Conscious Immortality : Conversation with shri ramana maharishi " which recorded deep insights of spiritual knowledge which shook my very core . Below are some quotes that touched me deeply

Ishwara is Immanent in every person and every material object throughout the universe. The totality of all things and beings constitutes God. There is power out of which a small fraction has become all this universe, & the reminder is in reserve. Both this reserve power plus the manifested power as material world together constitute Isvara

The realised man knows neither past, present, future. He is above time for he lives in the Timeless Self. He will just watch & wait and see what happens. He let's things take their course. He resigns all to the Absolute Power which one can call God or karma . There is no egoism within him. Restrictions & discipline are for jivas not for muktas.

Q. Once I was self reliant . Now I fear old age.

A. Even when younsaid you were self reliant, it was not so.  you were ego-reliant .in place of that of you let ego go , you will get real self reliance. Your pride is merely pride of ego.

                           xxx 

Why did you approve building skandaashram on hill which is temple land without obtaining permission from authorities?

Guided by same power which made me come & reside on the hill.

  

False ego is associated with objects. If a man's happiness is due to outer cause & external possessions, then a man devoid of possessions should have no happiness whatever.You are source of all your happiness whatsoever it be & not external things. Even when you imagine soke external object has given you happiness, you are mistaken. What really happened ,is that, Unconsciously The Object brought you back for a flash to your Self, borrowed the happiness & thus presented it to you. The happiness came as shadow to you. Why not look for source & realise it? 

..Trace every thought back to its origin which is the mind; never allow thought to go on, if it does,  it will be unending.  Thoughts die of inaction, for mind only exists by thought. Take away thought& there is no mind. Tear everything away until there is nothing but source left. Live only in the present. Either seek it's source so that it may disappear or surrender, that it may be struck down.

If you seek God with your whole heart, then you may be assured that the Grace of God is also seeking you. If the longing is there , realisation will be forced even if you do not want it.

xxx

Pride of learning and desire for appreciation are condemned,  not the learning itself.

Meditation without mental activity is Mouna. Meditation must be so intense as not even to give room for the consciousness of the idea " iam meditating ". Give yourself up to deep meditation . Throw away all other considerations of life. The calculative life will not be crowned with spiritual success. Yes, complete surrender initially is not possible. Partially surrender which incourse will lead to complete surrender.

Why do not the mahatmas help the world?

How do you know they do not help? Public speeches, physical activity & material help are all outweighs by silence of mahatmas. They accomplish more than others. A Self realised being very existence bestows highest good to the world. He is not the body.  His work lies within. By a rishi sitting in one place, all things can be done. If He wills,  he can bring in wars or end them.  But he knows that there is cosmic & karmic process going on. So he won't interfere unwisely. Silence of sage gives permanent benefit & instructions to humanity. A realised one sends powerful waves of spiritual influence in his aura which draws many people towards Him. Yet he may sit in cave & maintain silence.

A realised one, though he is not speaking,  will give much to world. If necessary, he can use others as instruments.

XXX

More things can be achieved by silence & more thoughts are conveyed by silence to a wider world. Preaching is simply communication of knowledge. It can be done in silence too.

Each one has to work for himself. 

                                 xxxx

The existence of higher power must be admitted & recognized. Ego is powerful elephant which can be tamed by presence of Guru. Guru, God, Grace all are synonymous. Gurus grace is more than study & meditation. Your remembrance of guru is forerunner of grace. Go on working with light you have, you will meet your guru.

Guru doesn't bring about realisation. He merely removes obstacles.

If the thinker is sought, the thoughts will disappear. The seer seen & the sight are all manifestation of same conscious ie ' I' . Dhyana helps one remove the illusion that the Self must be visual.

Xxxx 

Mind should be destroyed entirely , not merely arrested 

Vision add zest to meditation but does nothing more

Anything which has to be attained is not the Reality ,not the Truth. We are already the Reality, The truth. The idea that you have to find yourself is foolish one. What is there to find ?.According to that there are two persons- one searching for the other. So you are the true self. But wrongly identifying with ego (ahamkara) & the body.

Peace is the inner nature of man. If you find within yourself, you will find it everywhere.

Xxx

Through poetry, music etc one sometimes experiences a sense of deep bliss . There is happiness in agreeable sights. All colors, feeling, experiences in meditation are all only mental conceptions.  They come & go. Be only witness.

Absence of thought does not mean blank. There must be one to know the blank. What is illusion? Find out To whom is illusion then illusion will disappear.

Others are not responsible for what happens to us. They are only instruments for what would happen to us someway or other. Let us be strong in faith & not succumb to fear. Whatever happens, happens according to our prarabdha. Let it exhaust itself. Evil intentions & evil actions will react themselves & not affect us simply because they desire it. One is required not to think of oneself, so why there be anxiety regarding others?

Why is that sorrow & evil in universe ?

God will. No motive can be attributed to that power. No desire No goal to achieve , can be asserted of that all powerful being. God like the sun is untouched by the activities which take place in His presence .if the human mind is unsatisfied or restless on account of events, it's a good solution to accept God's will as the solution ; thus it is wise to drop the sense of responsibility & freewill ,by regarding ourselves as the instruments of God, to do & suffer  as He pleases.

Mirage does not disappear even after knowing it to be mirage. The appearance persists but now the man does not run to it for water.

                                 xxx

Rajendra Prasad, president of congress asks what message should he convey to Mahatma Gandhi: Maharshi says When heart speaks to heart, what need is there for words?

Occult powers are in realm of mind only. The powers are in mind only. They are not worth trying for. Occult powers will not give happiness. What are they for? To make others praise ones ego. God, Self is the highest power & most worth seeking. That which results in peace is highest Occult power.