2019: The year that was...!!!

Friends! How did your 2019 fare? Good?, Bad? Ugly? Phenomenal? Mixed bag? It’s a chilly day out here and sitting alone in my flat I just happen to look back at 2019. 2019 for me personally seem to be transitional. Transitional I say as I happen to see subtle nevertheless obvious changes in me. Personally, Professionally, Spiritually etc.

Year began with lovely books

   I don’t know why these changes took place. But I believe (which I may be wrong) because of either iam getting older hence more mature such that I can see events from perspective or meditation, which I seem to have done with some regularity has given me greater clarity. Whatsoever is the reason , this year I met more number of people, read more books, meditated more, Met people whom i havent met for 5 years, More thankful & gratitude to Universe, More positive, , Ate healthy, satisfied career, led more healthy life, exercised more, relaxed and content…finally “Yeh Dil Mange More”.

             Other day my barber who lives close by , remarked:

“Sir, I never see you partying, roaming or with any social life. You eat alone, move alone, never seem to talk on films or regular gossip”.

few of many interesting books i happen to read

              Well, its not easy to be in relationship with me and I find it hard to mix with people. Its sheer torture for me to suffer others ignorance and  stupidity. Not that iam smarter or more intelligent, but so far iam more contented and I cant bear anyone’s presence (& their complaints of life) beyond half an hour. I easily get bored of anyone nor I subscribe to others philosophies . I am not introvert but very very few things excite me and most of world is not into those things. Iam more text-person than talk-person. Iam more book-person that hangout-person. Quite a complicated character I guess iam and I aint yet intelligent to figure myself out.

Life turning self help books i read this year

The Mystical Journey of Life :

Professionally I began to enjoy my work than worry over results. The job well done generated more satisfaction than that of rewards & awards that might/may come consequently. I began to jump at any new experience in work more willingly, knowing new experience, be it success of failure would only enrich me professionally. Every work challenge I moved with “I Can”! mindset. Not once did I ever say to my boss negatively. Its always “ Its done or it will be done”. Somehow I was definitely sure that I could pull the solution out or Universe is benevolent in revealing itself.

Personally I could see vast changes within me. In Dec 2018, hardly I could run 100 metres without chest paining and lungs bursting. Come Dec 2019, I could easily run 10Km before the first bead of sweat breaks in. Been living minimal as much as possible. I cut down useless junk in life, be it humans or old clothes or electronic stuff. By end of day I deleted all social media messages/chat conversations. The idea is to delete “idea of memory and allied emotions” attached to it. (well, married men cant do it of course, hahahaha). Dumped old/new things which I felt I am no longer happy with even if I spent bomb on them.

most wise book i read this year

Beginning of year I undergone yoga training which I more or less practiced it regularly. I guess that’s where results crept from. There seems tremendous confidence gushing in me. I began to have greater clarity over life and events (sometimes scared that confidence might have led to arrogance). I happen to have greater control over my emotions. I was ready to let go and leave irrelevant issues to others advantage than fight stubbornly. I began to accept things as they are than worry over “if perhaps, it should ve been like this”.

There were some experiences which made me more sympathetic to world outside me. Hence I decided to do my part to society, be it materially or ideologically. I decided to donate at least 10% of my salary to disadvantaged sections of society. I wish greater confidence could be inculcated among children from rural areas or social welfare hostels. My identity in society and my identity in vast universe seems to become clear. As my social identity gets concretized, My identity in vast creation seems more confused or blending in itself.   Looks like iam evolving..Am i? I wonder.

Thus my 2019 ended. It could be launchpad for future . Lets see how experiences that enriched my soul in 2019 would impact my life by end of 2020.

The End ! or The End??

FAIRY TALE CALLED DIPY

A

t start I warn you. Don’t ask me any questions beyond which I already answered in this blog. Because I have no answers. Neither I have questions nor I have answers. Too many questions, inferences, opinions, innuendos, interpretations, feel free to have them but don’t feel free to share with me.

“How shall I define this relationship

That has no beginning or end

That was never there ,yet there

That has no form yet has form

Invisible yet Tangible

Some relations have no beginning or end

Never met, never separated

Never began, never end

Never defined, never understood

Never articulated, never spoken
Never acknowledged , just understood
Silent & Eternal”

This blogpost germinated some time ago as i waited train to arrive as she was leaving for her home town. Was scared that my logical mind kicks in and intellectual domination would erase sweetness of emotion. Which is the usual case with me..i seldom carry memories. Before I forget or rationalize I try to write it down and freeze particular emotion on fine print before it disappears in oceanic sands of time. Maybe I will revisit it though I know I cant feel the same feel once again. This blog may become dry withered write up in my next visit. However lemme regale while I can.

The 1st time i saw: believe me, i was totally frozen

When I first saw you. (i have seen u even before i met you) It was the feel like i have woken from deep rest, some ancient memory woken up in me. I remember calling my brother that day saying “if I don’t meet this girl, this life is of no use, come what may, no matter how many years it would take, iam gonna meet her” Well, finally we indeed met. After all I put my entire heart & soul in searching and finding you at edges of our country. Universe indeed bows to insistent & persistent heart!

C

all it magic! Imagine Perfect Weather, Perfect Day. Gentle cool breeze, everything is perfect.  Such is ambiance I feel when iam with her. Just magical. Not that she is perfect. She has her own shortcomings but I always spent very less time with her before dragon in her could ever completely manifest. Some pal asked why don’t you get hitched with her. Nothing would be more insulting than that act. How can I trap such gentle flower in clutches of institution ? As long she is wild & free she is beautiful. Fix her in particular circumference, its all over. Like stagnant water gets spoiled. She is the most beautiful dream. Reality can be dangerous and dream breaker. I prefer to be in dream than face crushing reality. Its like MF Hussain muse of Madhuri Dixit. Inspiration for creative pursuits. Nothing beyond.  

U r my sin
U r my soul
I hate you
To the core
U r my folk lore
U r my muse
U r rhythm and blues

when i saw her first- I Met for first-My Last meeting

One of the main reasons I take so many of her photos is mere human effort to trap the time, capture the wonderful moments I have with u. But I know time passes away & its impossible to capture the experience I have with u once again. One second I spend with u is eternity itself. One life, beginning to end ,completely finished in a moment. You are beautiful dream. In world I created, you are the finest creation. Though in reality, I doubt it. I dont think we are compatible at all. My crudeness, Ur softness. Ur anger. My silence. Our divergent food habits. My hyper activity. Ur adorable laziness. Etc 

Yet. U r my inspiration. Ur presence inspires me to dream, smile often. Like myself. Ur presence definitely added beauty to my life, sweetness to my soul, make this moment more joyous. Magic has many names. One name I know is You!!

In ur presence, I dont see my cell
In ur conversation, I dont see time
In ur existence, I dont use tinder
In ur company, I dont think of any other

T

he magic of Dipy began 2013. Well, that’s amazing for I tend to forget almost anyone without tinge of nostalgia once ways part. Call it destiny or past lives design, our paths crossed again&again, rekindling my awe of this girl. Don’t call it love. What ignorant term it as Love , I can come with multiple interpretations: Love, Lust, Attraction, Fling, Infatuation, ONS,FWB, thrill of chase etc etc. Sometimes i feel ignorance is bliss Coz You can finish your life within parameters of Date-Mate-Die.

“I understand why my number is not saved in your phone  and I also I understand why we are not connected on fb or WhatsApp or social media. I understand why iam "just a friend" in your conversation about me with your  other friends. I assure that iam not competing against anyone nor I want any special place for I prefer wings than roots.  

 Despite 7 years passed I hardly know what I mean for Dipy. I don’t define what I am to her like she never did with me. Just Be..!!  But again , as mysteriously it began, the magic broke down recently. Just vaporized. Don’t know why or how. Maybe Reality hit me harder and like Neo in film Matrix, I have woken up. Now, I think I will call it end.. The End! ………Or is it ??