Spoiler: I know no girl from Havana nor can even locate it on map. The title origin came from instance where I typed a person name & it was autocorrected into Havana. During such one off conversation or from that very conversation I happen to develop some interesting insights into my own current conundrum & general human tendencies.
First two scenarios about two primary characters or themes "Beauty & Brains". It's isn't that either character ve both in abundance but mostly known for it.
Girl from Havana is girl of jio tower height, white as omlette & colorful as Asian paints. Frankly I never observed her closely but few micro second glance here & there. But she is quite (just) attractive , scintillating at speech all while knowing the impact her presence causes at same time born in certain culture, time & circumstances makes her wary of surroundings as well hence restricting her reaction mostly to mental hurricane of abuses against uninvited catcalls or unsolicited attention. Maybe she might be involved in silent murders but who knows 🤷🤔..just kidding...
On Other extreme is me who is undergoing certain metamorphosis while penning this post. As far as I remember, I was reading on certain genre since childhood which is now trade I practice n now is my bread n butter. With tons of literature & case studies under your belt, chances of taking calculated decisions courageously are quite high while in general people play it safe or aim status quo. Offlate I had realization that my life (or life in general) is frighteningly short & sands of time in clock is filtering away. I ve no time to play safe or live small. No time to be diplomatic in communication. Iam what iam. Unapologetically Me. As long as iam not doing anything illegal & criminal, I will take on the consequences . I don't say I live dangerously. But judiciously keeping away all things unnecessary like futurless relationships, unwanted friendships, shallow acquaintance, useless pursuits. No more I read everything that I come across..it's specific genre (now only two genres Infact). I no longer aim long life but deep life. Life of intensity & depth.
Suddenly I realize, more I live my own life, world starts prodding & provking you. I stopped socializing & kept aloof. Crowds always make me nervous & fake smiles, pampering other ego a herculean task. I no longer want to live artificially shallow, rather choose consciously to live authentically with integrity. Now my silence & non-involvment is taken as arrogance & conceit. I just let people believe so. They started coming with conclusion from what is ever available at first thought. This guy is arrogant coz of intellectual domination & informational warehouse he possessed. Some call it confidence, over confidence & arrogance.
Just coz you are blessed with some thing extra doest make you any talented or happier than any person. (Except in chosen field). Kishire Kumar is versatile singer but failed in all 4-marriages. His advantage is that his passion & talent aligned with his say job. And the work place is place where you spend most of your life.
Now in both cases , I realized greatest blessings or gift has become burden & baggage at times. In this process of not to send wrong signals (of being conceited or showoff) I try to keep aloof or tend to become silence or just mind own business...Often even this , would be construed as sheer arrogance or vanity. After a point, sarcastic remarks would follow, jokes with negative undertones will be cracked. If I remain silent, again iam.branded as jackass & if I react, now accusation is confirmed. Catch 22 situation. More often toxic moods in me due to all these make.me more bitter & angry. Now its cyclical.
Truth is always spoken in jest. Most of sarcasticnegative comments we hear as joke is actually true. Recently I realized If everyone waiting to see mr fail or fall down.Typical case of shedenfreude. I accept iam no team player & prefer to be solo operative. When Girl from Havana mentioned how world perceived her as arrogant or she is kinda loner despite of world at her beck& call, I exactly understood what she is trying to convey. People around her milling rumors overtime , crediting her work More to looks then her handwork, waiting to watch her fail with glee...I kinda felt Yo, I understand!!!
I will not be surprised if someone says this blog itself a action out of hubris & conceited. Maybe it's true. Maybe it's introspection where I don't want to be modest & play safe by pushing inner feelings under carpet. Who cares. Anyways I ve tons of flaws. This one adds to some foot
Now I wonder if iam imagining all these or mind working over time in wilderness or seeing shadows where there is no light. Whatever , I just hope to maintain my sanity, equanimity & ignore worlds taunts.
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| Girl from Havana |
